


Your Life was the Best Part of Mine

by Bulla124



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Abuse, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Child Abuse, Currently only chapter 4 has graphic content., Depression, Fluff and Angst, Graphic Description, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, hidekane, kanehide - Freeform, sweet with a side of sad never felt so good
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-02
Updated: 2016-10-15
Packaged: 2018-05-30 18:07:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 25,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6434866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bulla124/pseuds/Bulla124
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When by something so bright, it’s almost impossible for your eyes not to be drawn to it, and when that bright something is so beautiful, it’s almost impossible not to love it. So when Kaneki is constantly surrounded by the brilliant Hide, how could he not fall in love?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is also available on [tumblr](http://spiderliliesinmyeyes.tumblr.com/tagged/Your+Life+was+the+Best+Part+of+Mine)  
> **This chapter was the second time I had ever written fanfiction. Ever. If it seems a bit stale or roughly written, I promise it only gets better from here! Thank you for reading: )

Kaneki Ken was the moon and Nagachika Hideyoshi was the sun; Kaneki could only ever shine when Hide was by his side.

Kaneki’s life had never been easy, he had struggled more times than he could count, but there was always one constant in his life. Hide. He was always there to pick him up from the ground and bring him back to his feet. Without him, Kaneki didn’t know where he’d be, or who he’d be, as he was certain that Hide had left a strong imprint on his being and made him who he was today. And Kaneki wouldn’t have had it any other way.

 

When by something so bright, it’s almost impossible for your eyes not to be drawn to it, and when that bright something is so beautiful, it’s almost impossible not to love it. So when Kaneki is constantly surrounded by the brilliant Hide, how could he not fall in love?

Kaneki’s heart often swelled on behalf of Hide, but a few moments stood out from the rest that truly made him realize his love for the glowing goodness that was Hide; moments that made his heart race and his stomach flip and made him realize how grateful he was to have Hide, how lucky he was, and just how greatly he was connected to the man.

  
  


Moment 1: The Meeting

 

Kaneki could remember the day vividly, as he had thought back to it many, many times throughout the years. He was six at the time, almost seven, and the day began with him slowly going through his usual daily routine of waking up before his alarm went off (the sound of early morning traffic always woke him). Then slowly shuffling his way through getting dressed and washing the sleep from his face, which always seemed to take too long, thus leading to him frantically scraping some kind of meal into his mouth, whether it be fruit or a plain slice of toast. 

His fervor continued on as he rushed to pack a lunch of some kind, usually as filling as his breakfast. The task of which used to be one Kaneki’s mother would handle before he woke, giving him the pleasant surprise of a full, packed and ready lunch that always came with a little note, “Have a good day! <3” it would say, (he had a collection of them under his pillow). Some days his mother would still be home when he awoke and he’d get to watch her delicate hands nimbly prepare his lunch. But Kaneki’s mother was a good, hard-working woman whose job often demanded her to be in early and out late, meaning those lunches were rare, and the early mornings together even more-so. Therefore any time a little lunch box or note waited for him on the counter, it was a moment to be celebrated. After usually getting his hands sticky from some kind of jelly from his pitiful lunch, Kaneki would begin to gather his things, including at least three books, and dash out the door to head to school (but only after making sure it was locked, he didn’t want his mother to be  _ worried  _ about it again). 

Kaneki was very young for so much freedom and responsibility, or so he was told. “Only six and already walking to school?! You live so far away!” Teachers and neighbors always fussed over him after finding him at school early or wandering through the neighborhood streets each morning. “Is it safe? Are you careful? You should get someone to walk you!” Kaneki had quickly learned to dodge the concerns with an ‘I’m used to it’, and the lie of ‘sometimes my mom walks me’ came easier than it should have. Kaneki didn’t really understand why people got so fussy over it. His mom was fine with it, why weren’t they? 

“You want me to walk there alone?” Kaneki’s voice came out as a squeak, his mother just eyed him, hands on her hips, before softening and bending down to pat his cheek.

“You’re a big boy, honey, you can handle it.” And that was that. It had been almost a year since then and Kaneki had stopped thinking anything of it, now hurrying down the streets by himself was just another part of his routine. 

To start with, it was not so easy. One of the first few times, Kaneki had managed to get himself lost. Whether he had turned too early or too late, Kaneki wasn’t sure, but he had shown up to school an hour late as a red-faced, sniffling ball of tears. His mother was promptly called and swept him up in her arms when she arrived. He got excused from school for the day and they ended up spending the rest of it together at home. Kaneki’s mother had been extremely  _ worried  _ that day, and Kaneki made sure to be extra careful so it wouldn’t happen again.

 

Finally the morning would finish with him arriving at school early where Kaneki would make sure all his schoolwork was ready and then sit in his desk reading until the bell rang. 

That was his morning schedule, day in and day out, those six steps repeated over and over, ending with a book each time. What else could he do? School was a lonely thing for Kaneki and sometimes even a painful one. His peers were a mystery to him. Always noisy, always laughing– the exact opposite of Kaneki. Kaneki was the boy whose heart hammered in his chest when he had to read in front of the class, always almost dropping the book with his increasingly sweaty hands. He was the boy who grew silent and stumbled over his words when anyone would try speaking to him, his face feeling like flames and his movements stiff. His peers were an enigma. They were able to brush off their reading mistakes, laugh at them even! They spoke clearly, proudly, no worries about saying the wrong thing were evident in their minds. And they grouped up so easily! Everyone always had someone by their side, no one sat alone during lunch, no one was partnerless for a school project– Kaneki had none of these things and he was envious of them– almost. Kaneki knew he was too comfortable in his ways, too afraid of interaction to ever change on his own. Seeing all his classmates so happy, so full of life– it felt to him like he was peering at them from afar. He felt so distanced, so trapped in his own little world, almost as if they existed on two totally different planes.

 

It was like Kaneki was a bird in a cage. He flitted around at his own pace, safe, calm– all on his own. Every now and then he'd find himself at the doorway. It was wide open, nothing stood in his way. He'd stay there for a while, teetering on the edge but never actually falling. Kaneki couldn't leave his cage, his familiar, reliable cage that he himself had built! So he remained, cursing his cowardice while watching all the things that he couldn't be, empty but whole.

 

Other times Kaneki  _ hated  _ his peers, it had taken him awhile to place that feeling, but he was almost certain that’s what it was. Kaneki had grown to be invisible in his school, his existence ignored, skipped over and unseen– except for when it wasn’t. 

Children could be mean, vile things, Kaneki had witnessed such multiple times. “Yakuneki! Dojineki!” They would call out to him and fingers would point and jab into ribs. “No one likes you! Why do you even bother showing up?” Kaneki knew the taste of mud. “You’re so weird, you know that? Do you even know how to use that mouth of yours?” Kaneki had taken more punches than he could count. “I bet even your parents couldn’t love someone like you!”

 

After each time of being ‘noticed’, purple and yellow would checkerboard the cream of his skin for days. Kaneki wished he could leave school at these times and never come back. He’d stay home forever and read when his mom wasn’t home. And if he couldn’t have that, he’d be okay with even just simply disappearing, but no. Kaneki was forced to lie there, covered in dirt while whimpers burst through his lips with the force of every fist. Sometimes after these bullying sessions, Kaneki would skip school for a day or two, but no more than that and not every time or his mother would  _ worry _ . Luckily Kaneki had grown better at staying out of sight and avoiding the bullies, he’d only get caught once or twice every few months. 

 

At this time it had been exactly five weeks since he had been beat by his classmates and school had been going rather uneventful– just the way Kaneki liked it. People had been ignoring him, he worked alone quietly– it was perfect and Kaneki had finished a record number of books the last few weeks. The only thing that had been bearing on Kaneki’s mind was the feeling of being watched at school. Everytime he sat down at his desk and opened his lunch, Kaneki was certain he saw someone peering around the corner of the door, but each time he looked there was no one. This happened when he was reading, working alone, even when he left the courtyard to go home after school. The unease gnawed at the back of Kaneki’s thoughts and he tried his best to keep an eye out, worried that it was a bully plotting something for him. 

  
  


This day though, no figures lurked in the corner of his eye and he was able to relax during free time for the first time in weeks. At ease, Kaneki had his nose engulfed in his newest book, happily drowning out the world when a tan face suddenly loomed above his book. The tan body belonging to it did not perch on the edge of his desk– it smothered it. The boy was in his face, breathing heavy with wide, sparkling eyes. Kaneki glanced around warily, he had a feeling he wasn’t going to be getting anymore reading in. “ **What are you reading** ?” Kaneki was taken aback by his tone, the boy was so full of noise and abuzz with energy, he didn’t know how to react and tried to mumble out the title. “ **Is it interesting** ?” All Kaneki could utter out of his nervous mouth was a small, ‘Uhm...Y-yeah…’ He recognized the child as Hideyoshi Nagachika, a blond little mess of a boy that had recently moved to Kaneki’s school. Nagachika was loud, he was overwhelming, and to be honest, Kaneki was a little scared of him. “Hey, you’re always reading books by yourself.” It seemed the new kid had already noticed his timid, lonely qualities in the short three weeks he had been there. Kaneki, surprised by the confrontation of his habits, squeezed out a small, ‘S-sorry?’ Was he supposed to apologize for being a loner? It wasn’t his fault that he was more comfortable surrounded by bound pages and dust covers than people. Books were his loyal companions that kept him safe, kept him happy, and let him connect with a long-gone father. People were noisy, people were mean, people were– “No, I don’t mean it like that”– unpredictable. “It's just that... I just moved here recently. So I still don't have any friends!” An uneasy finger snaked up and scratched at Nagachika’s cheek. The boy had surprised Kaneki again, his voice had gotten so soft that he didn’t know how it was possible to show such polar demeanors. “So, do you want to become friends with me?" Kaneki’s heart skipped in his chest. Nagachika wanted to be friends with him? They were complete opposites! But something inside him didn’t want to say no, in fact it really wanted to say yes.

“Oh, erm– uhm–”  
" **You don’t?!** " The tan boy looked crestfallen. His eyebrows scrunched together roughly and his small mouth formed a despairing frown, even his eyes seemed to suddenly glisten more with unfallen tears. Kaneki’s heart, no, his very soul ached for the other boy. He hadn’t meant to make him feel bad! Though the idea of them being friends made him waver in uncertainty, he found himself quite liking the thought of it. 

“N-no, it’s not that. I… want to.” Kaneki’s spirit jumped and danced within him. It had felt a spark, a connection between him and Nagachi–no, Hideyoshi. It felt warm. It felt like a piece of the puzzle of his life had snapped into place, it felt like he had found what was at the end of his red thread, it felt– perfect. His soul sang within him, how lucky he was to find his special person, his other half! Fate had smiled down at him!

"Really?! Alright!!!" Hideyoshi’s booming volume was back, but Kaneki found himself not minding one bit.

  
  


The next few periods passed quickly with Hide shooting him grins and silly faces behind his textbook each time Kaneki braved a glance at him. Much to his surprise, several times Kaneki had to stifle a giggle with his hand to keep from disrupting class. It was lunch time before he knew it.

 

Kaneki readied his meal on his desk when he felt the phantom stare on him once more. This time his eyes shot up and the figure was still there. 

"Hideyoshi?!" The blond boy blinked in surprise at being caught before meekly walking over to Kaneki, his lunch clasped in his hands.

"H-hey, Kaneki." Kaneki was speechless, his mind still reeling from realizing Hideyoshi was the one who had been making him uneasy the last few weeks. Suddenly his throat tightened. Was Hideyoshi tricking him? Had he been planning something this whole time and Kaneki had simply walked into his trap?

"Y-You're the one who's been staring at me this whole time?" Hide froze, his face growing red. 

"Y-You mean you noticed?!" This time Hideyoshi's voice squeaked. 

"Of course! How could I not? W-why were you st-starin– watching me?" Kaneki tripped over his words, his nerves feeling like a stone in his stomach. Hideyoshi's finger scratched at his cheek as he let out a long sigh.

"The truth is I noticed you always off on your own. I saw you reading with a little smile on your face and you just looked so happy! I-I.. I really wanted to be your friend, so I've been trying to find a time to talk to you. I'msosorryKanekipleasepleasepleaseforgive!" Hideyoshi's voice grew frantic as he gave a deep bow to Kaneki. 

"E-eh?!" Now Kaneki's face was the one like a beet. "It's fine! Just don't do it again, o-okay? Please?" Kaneki's hands fluttered around as he urged Hideyoshi, who had begun bowing on the floor, to his feet.

"You mean," Hideyoshi's eyes grew hopeful, "you'll still be my friend?"

"Y-Yes! I’ll still be your friend!” 

“Great! Do you want to have lunch together?!” Hideyoshi jumped up and hung on Kaneki’s shoulders. “I’m so sorry I scared you! I was justreallynervous about talking to you and–”

“Hid-Hideyoshi, it’s fine! I understand, don’t worry about it.” Hideyoshi looked relieved before perking up.

“So  _ do _ you want to eat together? We could sit outside somewhere if you like!” Kaneki eeped,

“O-outside?”

“...Inside is fine too.” With that Hideyoshi pulled up a chair and began eating with Kaneki. His lunch box was filled to the brim, the opposite of Kaneki’s meager meal he scrambled to make that morning. “Woah! My lunch is really full today! There’s no way I can eat all this. Will you help me, Kaneki?” Big brown puppydog eyes stared at Kaneki until he gave a small, ‘I-I can try’. “Great!” Hide beamed while sliding his lunch box closer to Kaneki and scooting his chair until they were side by side. “Man! You’ll never guess what I saw walking to school this morning! – – The movie I watched last night was crazy! – – Have you ever listened to western music?” Hideyoshi’s words were never ending, the rest of their lunch period passed easily, full of excited hand gestures from the blond boy until– BRIIING! “Aw man.” Hideyoshi’s voice dripped with disappointment at hearing the bell. “I’ll talk to you after school, Kaneki!” Hideyoshi gave a wave before bounding to his desk. Kaneki quickly raised his hand in a surprised reply back. He too felt bitter about the bell, but warmth still radiated in his chest. Kaneki was shocked by how easy it was to spend time with Hideyoshi. He wasn’t nervous, the conversation was easy– that may have been the best lunch he’d ever had. 

 

Kaneki coasted on that feeling and the pleasant fullness of his stomach through the rest of the day. The following classes were only made easier with Hideyoshi’s shenanigans, except this time one of his giggles slipped out before he could catch it. Kaneki froze in embarrassed horror as a few eyes slid his way and turned away with painful slowness. When Kaneki realized he was safe, he risked a look at Hideyoshi only to find a pleased smile and pink cheeks already waiting for him. Hideyoshi’s chocolate eyes danced as he pointed and pantomimed a laugh at Kaneki’s struggles. Kaneki’s heart skipped a beat as he quickly shot a comically angry face and flashed his tongue out at the blond boy who only grasped his chest in mock horror. Kaneki couldn’t help a small smile from twisting at his lips. He was having fun. 

  
  


Finally the  _ incredibly _ eventful day was over and Kaneki was switching his shoes at his cubby and gathering his thi–

“Kaneki! Hey!” Hideyoshi appeared and waved excitedly to Kaneki as he ran to his side. “Nice giggle earlier!” Kaneki covered his face and lightly shoved himself into Hideyoshi’s side, only eliciting a loud laugh from the boy. 

“Shush, you! It’s all you and your goofy face’s fault!” 

“You’re right! I’m sorry,” Hideyoshi gave a wide grin, no regret anywhere to be seen.   
“Mmm-hmm, sure you are.” Kaneki’s voice lilted into an aloof tone.

“I am, I am!” He wasn’t. Kaneki only sighed in response, no real anger in him. “So you goin’ home? Can I walk with you?” 

“Wha– Y-you want to walk with m-me?” Kaneki sputtered in shock.

“Of course! I said we’d talk after school, right?” Hideyoshi looked affronted by his shock. “So can I?”

“S-sure…” 

“Sweet! So as I was saying–” The boys fell in step together and wandered out of the school, slowly making their way to Kaneki’s home, their voices mingling together in the afternoon air. “Apparently that movie I watched has a sequel! And – – What about you, do you like that? – –Wah! I couldn’t believe it! And then he jumped on the monster and  – – That’s so cool! I want to read that too!” 

 

Kaneki felt at peace. Hideyoshi’s voice bubbled around him, laughing, joking, rambling. He waited for Kaneki’s response each time and was pleased with every answer. Kaneki’s cheeks glowed at the attention and before he knew it they were in front of his house. Disappointment washed over him again, stronger this time. He was having so much fun! He didn’t want it to be over already.

 

“Wa-wait a minute! Hideyoshi! You said your house was on the way! How come you didn’t say anything?” Hideyoshi chuckled and scratched his cheek at being found out.

“Y-yeah… My house is that way,” Hideyoshi pointed his thumb over his shoulder, “past the train tracks and all that!” He trailed off uneasily. Kaneki balked.

“Hidey – The train tracks!? That’s the complete opposite direction from where I live! That’s past the school!” Hideyoshi averted his eyes, a small amount of pink dusting his cheeks as he ruffled the back of his hair.

“Y-yup! Sure is,” Hideyoshi’s voice was small, “but we were having so much fun, y’know! I didn’t want it to end yet!” Kaneki sighed in response, not voicing how he had shared his exact feelings.

“Hideyoshi! You’ll get home so late!” As if in response, the sky already seemed darker. “You better hurry home right away!” 

“Yeah, yeah, you’re right!” Hideyoshi smiled at his concern before begrudgingly starting to run off and quickly yell over his shoulder: “You can call me Hide, by the way! Have a good night, Ka-ne-ki, see you tomorrow!” He beamed widely and threw an excited wave to the black haired boy’s now frozen form as he went.

Kaneki stood there, hand paused in a forgotten wave, until Hideyos– _ Hide’s  _ form faded from sight.

 

“ _ Hide _ .” 

 

Kaneki stiffly walked inside and made himself at home. Dropping his book bag, washing his hands–

 

“Hide.”

 

– doing his homework, starting a new book, helping his now-home-mother make dinner–

 

“Hide.”

“What was that, dear? Don’t mumble so.” Kaneki blinked, knocked out of his thoughts. 

“Yes mother.” He focused on dinner, totally not wondering what Hide was doing, if he’d finished his homework, if he was watching the new episode of his favorite show, if–

“Now, what are you so smiley about, silly boy?” Kaneki’s mother’s hands ruffled through his hair, surprised he slid his fingers to his lips and found that yes, he was smiling.  _ How odd. _ “Good day at school, hm?” Kaneki nodded,

“Yes, mama.”  _ Very  _ good, maybe the best he’d ever had. Kaneki felt as if he’d never smiled, never laughed so many times in his life. He felt like his heart had grown wings and soared out of his chest.

“That’s nice, honey, I’m glad.”

“Mhm!” Kaneki hummed in agreement, practically buzzing with joy.

 

The rest of the night seemed to crawl by and Kaneki desperately tried to find things to pass the time and calm his hyper mind. Finally he gave up and went to bed early in hopes to end the night sooner. He was just so excited for school the next day,  _ excited _ , imagine that.  **Hide** had taken Kaneki’s world, turned it on its head, and shook it with such fervor, such  _ kindness _ , Kaneki was ecstatic.  _ Hide _ was his  _ friend _ . His first friend! And he was so funny! And clever, and kind, and surprisingly smart, and so, so,  _ so incredibly fun _ , and– –  

Finally having a companion and one that  _ bold _ , that  _ different  _ from himself– It was thrilling. And Kaneki felt so content, so comfortable, so  _ in place _ by his side, as if that was where he was  _ meant _ to be his whole life.

For once Kaneki didn’t feel so alone in the world.

For once Kaneki felt  _ happy _ .

 

Kaneki bundled himself in his blankets and forced his eyes closed and  _ slowly  _ fell asleep. Just before bright yellow dreams completely stole him away, Kaneki’s sneaky, sleep-addled mouth tried out its new word one more time.   
“ _ Hide _ .”

  
  
  


The next morning Kaneki awoke earlier than usual, a bounce evident in his step. He breezed through his routine, even putting extra care in his lunch, and was out the door before he knew it. He rushed to school, seeing his path there in a new light after  _ yesterday’s happenings _ , and sat at his desk with a painful amount of spare time before class started. He pulled out a book and slowly leafed through its pages, though none of the words made it to his head, his giddiness easily overpowering them. 

After  _ forever _ Kaneki hears footsteps in the hall and his body tenses, anticipation coiling in his belly. Finally a heartwarmingly familiar blond head pops through the doorway and Kaneki internally scrambles to try to appear as if he hadn’t been waiting there for ages. Hide notices him right away and gives an animated wave,

“Kaneki!” A giant smile splits his tan face and Kaneki does everything he can to resist the urge to jump out of his chair and hop over the desks between them to wrap the other boy in a hug and start pouring all his thoughts out to him. ‘How was your show?Didyousleepwell?Whatdidyouhavefordinner?Didyoufinishyourhomework?’ So many questions gush to his lips, but Kaneki swallows them down and instead settles for a returning wave and a small smile as he waits for Hide to make his way over. 

“Good morning, Kaneki!”

“Good morning, H-Hide!” Kaneki’s face reddens at actually saying the name in front of him. “I-I! I had fun yesterday, probablyforthefirstimeever,” Kaneki mumbles out the last part and instantly regrets it, his excitement erasing any logical processes from his brain. “Thank you for walking with me!” Kaneki finishes with a small bow,  praying to every god in the universe that Hide didn’t catch his slip-up. Hide says nothing about it and instead claps a warm hand on his shoulder and urges him up. Kaneki is surprised to see Hide’s face glowing with a blush. 

“It was no problem!” Hide offers a wide grin and bashfully scratches his head. “I’m glad we’re friends!” Kaneki gives a large, warm smile at his words.

“Me too.” To this Hide’s eyes grew wide, his face finding a way to flush even more crimson as he sputters out a squeaky, ‘Y-yeah!’

  
  
  
  


Kaneki’s heart gleamed, knowing, this was it. Kaneki’s life would never be the same. Things would be different now, things would be  _ better _ .

His heart loved Hide then, even if his head hadn’t caught up yet.

  
_ Another bird had flown into his cage and for once Kaneki felt okay about not leaving. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thank you for reading this :) It's my first time writing a multi-chapter fic and only my second time writing fanfiction ever. This chapter may seem a bit stale since part of it is just recapping the manga, but the other chapters are all pretty much original! I have a total of about 20 chapters planned at the moment.  
> I'm still trying to figure out Ao3, so if formatting is weird I am so sorry;;  
> I also have no beta, so if you see any horrible mistakes feel free to tell me!  
> I'll also be posting this on my [tumblr](http://spiderliliesinmyeyes.tumblr.com/tagged/Your+Life+was+the+Best+Part+of+Mine) so you can follow that if you'd rather read it there. You can even talk to me about it :3c


	2. Solitude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is also available on [tumblr](http://spiderliliesinmyeyes.tumblr.com/tagged/Your+Life+was+the+Best+Part+of+Mine)

Kaneki was seven years old and he felt that hearts were fickle things.  How could everything feel so wrong and then  _ so right _ so quickly? 

Lately his chest had been aching. It felt like it was empty and bursting all at once and it  _ hurt _ . It hurt so bad that sometimes he couldn’t breathe, and he’d sit there on the brink of gasping for air, trying not to feel like his entire world was crashing down around him with hollow echoes. Things had been feeling wrong, things had been feeling  _ painful  _ when Kaneki was alone, when he couldn’t stop himself from drowning in the pulsing lonely soreness within him. 

 

And he was alone a lot. 

 

But no matter how much he hurt, Kaneki could instantly feel better, feel good, feel  _ whole  _ when he was with  **him** .

Hide.

Hide could make him forget everything. One touch, one smile, one laugh and it was like his chest had never ached at all. Just the _ sight  _ of the boy could fill Kaneki with joy. 

It was as if Hide’s existence was just the right size to fill the hole in Kaneki’s heart.

 

Hide was the perfect medicine and selfish Kaneki couldn’t help but to drink in as much of the boy as possible, trying to quell the thirst for interaction within him. 

Hide made all the pain disappear, but that was not the only reason Kaneki liked being around him.

Hide was comfort, yes, but he was more than that.

His buzzing energy, his quick jokes, his ever present ringing laugh and always warm hands...

Everything about the boy was a sight to behold, from the tips of his multi-colored hair to the bottom of his mismatched socks. Everything about the boy, Kaneki treasured.

He was enamored by the bubbling, rushing blond, and he loved being caught in his current.

Hide was special, he was one of a kind, and Kaneki knew that no one else in the world could make him feel the way Hide did, so he stuck to the other boy like a magnet. His captivation with the blond ringing louder within him than the whispering voice in the back of his head urging him to be less of a bother.

Kaneki heard none of it, only knowing Hide made his heart feel overflowing instead of empty.

  
  


It had been over a year since Hide tumbled into Kaneki's life and it had been the best over-a-year that he'd ever had. Their friendship had grown immensely. They were inseparable at school– lunch time and group projects now only a worry of the past. They spent as much time together as possible out of school, with Hide often going out of his way to walk Kaneki home, much to his dismay (and delight). Their lives had become so twisted together, so entwined, being apart felt lacking, felt  _ wrong _ . Despite how much they tried to be together, Kaneki couldn't help but feel like it wasn't enough, especially recently where he would have given anything for Hide's company.

 

For the last few weeks, Kaneki’s mother had been working exceptionally hard. Waking up to an empty house was not rare for Kaneki, but going to sleep with one was, and sadly he was growing used to that too. How there could be  _ so much work _ in the world was something Kaneki’s small self couldn’t understand, but he knew his mother was doing her best and he was proud of her for it.

While she was gone, it fell to Kaneki to keep the house in top shape, working extra hard to make sure his mother would come home to a clean house and not have to  _ worry _ .  Dust was nowhere to be seen, laundry was always freshly done, and dishes never piled up. 

As the days passed, the house became more spotless than ever with Kaneki desperately filling his free time with more and more cleaning. 

His  _ very abundant  _ free time.

Once school ended and Kaneki arrived at home, time seemed to slow and he seemed to speed up. Homework was finished almost immediately, clothes were washed, dishes cleaned, baths taken – Kaneki was almost certain he was going to burn out the vacuum cleaner and he was  _ positive _ he had never soaked for so long that he actually  _ squeaked _ before. When there was absolutely nothing else to do, Kaneki would finally look at the clock with satisfaction– 

6pm.

“...”

After that Kaneki would huff and try his best to inch through the next few hours by reading until he felt tired. 

Kaneki had finished 45 books in two weeks. 

Finally the night would end with Kaneki giving up after never really feeling tired and going to bed early. He’d lay there for an hour at least, trying to ignore the ticking of the clock and force himself to sleep. Most nights his thoughts would drift to Hide and when he finally slipped from consciousness, bright smiles were the last thing on his mind.

 

At the start of the third week, Kaneki faltered. He had gone to bed earlier than his _already_ early time and he found himself awake a whole hour before he had to be. But instead of starting his day, Kaneki laid there, eyes glued to the ceiling with the sky still dark outside his window. 

He listened as a few odd cars lazily broke through the sleepy atmosphere of the morning. 

His heartbeats echoed within him.

A yawn pushed its way through him and his ears popped with the rush of air.

Kaneki was  **_tired_ ** .

 

Finally Kaneki started getting up, his limbs heavy and movements sluggish. He crawled through his morning routine while time moved at its normal pace, this time Kaneki was the one in slow motion. 

In the end it was a good thing that Kaneki woke up early, as he ended up leaving ten minutes later than usual.

That was the first day Kaneki skipped cleaning, but not the last. 

As the week passed by, the house gradually creeped into disarray, as much as it could with only a small boy living in it anyway. No more vacuuming, no more dusting, though the amount of dishes stayed moderately small. Dirty clothes slowly piled up around his room, though they were tucked under his blankets when he left in case his mother came home while he was at school (slim chance as it was). He may have felt lazy, but he still didn’t want to make her  _ worry _ .

Baths were shortened, homework was sped through, and books were started but never finished. Kaneki’s streak of finishing multiple books a night screeched to a stop. Every book he picked up, he couldn’t finish. Each plot seemed boring, each page felt miles long. Focusing was impossible as words seemed to jumble up in his mind. 

Kaneki’s attention span was nonexistent.

Instead of reading, Kaneki’s bedtime had come increasingly earlier. Sleep was now not only a way to make the next day come faster, but a necessity. Kaneki had never felt more drained, despite all his excessive sleeping. Exhaustion stuck to him like a loyal companion, and sometimes he felt so heavy, it was as if he was moving underwater. The idea of being underwater fit perfectly to the tight sharpness in his chest, as if he was drowning and breathing all at once.

That pain in his heart had only grown through the days, hurting so much it almost felt numb, even making itself known when he wasn’t alone.

Hide was the only thing keeping him going, he was the only reason Kaneki pulled himself out of bed. He was the only thing able to pull Kaneki from his empty stupor.

 

On Friday of the fourth week of solitude, Kaneki’s loneliness peaked and he found himself a surprising buzz of uneasy energy, excitement and loneliness being an odd mixture. Kaneki arrived at school early for the first time in weeks, his nerves singing within him, and sat in his desk waiting not for the bell but for  **Hide** . A book laid in front of him, almost just for the feeling of familiarity, as its pages were unsurprisingly rarely turned, his weak ability to focus sadly following him to school. His practically nonexistent progress was further hindered by the many expectant glances shot towards the door. His heart thumped in his chest and his heart  _ ached  _ with a lingering,  _ wanting _ throb that he tried to stifle. Today the pain within him was different, changing from a stabbing hurt to a pulling pulse that pounded with the beat of his heart. It was as if his being had finally been sucked dry and was sick of being empty, now turning to desperation of wanting to see his friend and refill. And thus Kaneki was aflame, eager to see  **Hide** and spend as much time with him as possible.

But time seemed to be back to its sly games again and the minutes snailed by.

Kaneki’s palms felt damp.

...

He shifted in his seat.

...

A rumble vibrated from his stomach.

…

…

… 

_Pap pap pap!_ Finally footsteps rang down the hall. Kaneki sat up straighter, his eyes glued to the door until– _whoom!_ The door whipped open, rattling on its frame and a bright boy stood in the opening.

“Kanekiiiii, good morning!”  _ Hide _ sung it out and Kaneki couldn’t have stopped the affectionate smile that sprung to his lips if he wanted to. 

His chest was light.

“Good morning, Hide.” He closed his untouched book when Hide appeared and before he had finished setting his things down on his desk, Kaneki was by his side, quickly and silently. 

“W-whoa! You’re fast today! And so quiet, almost like a cat… Ka-neko!” Kaneki gave a bright laugh and Hide blinked at him owlishly. 

“I suppose that’s fitting, Hide. But I’m not going to start meowing for you!” Hide’s eyes remained unblinking, his mouth gaped silently, his cheeks lightly ablush. “How are you today Hide? Anything new?” Kaneki took no notice of his friend’s frozenness and continued on, pulling a chair next to Hide’s desk and looking up at him as he sat. 

“O-oh! Uh, I saw the new episode of my show last night–”

“–Wah! Awesome! Was Tigerbane defeated? Did Hayato win?” Kaneki’s energy bubbled out of him and Hide’s throat bobbed with a thick swallow, looking down at the boy who now leaned towards him and stared up with warm eyes. An almost invisible shrug seemed to ruffle his shoulders before he settled and plopped down in the desk chair next to Kaneki. Hide scooted closer to him and easily picked up the paused conversation.

“Of course Hayato won! He’s the dragon champion, he’s undefeatable! You should’ve seen it, Kaneki, he was all Wham! Swoosh!  Bam!– –” Hide’s voice picked up in excitement and flowed out of him endlessly. Kaneki’s chin rested on his hands as his gaze never left the other boy’s excited face, ears absorbing every word, happily swept up in his rambling. 

“What about you, Kaneki?”

“...Hm?”

“You!” A light giggle came from the blond boy as he nudged against Kaneki’s shoulder. “Is there anything new with you, Kaneki?”

“...Me? No. Nothing new, Hide, just schoolwork.”   
“Whaaat? No cool books?”

“Not at the moment.”  _ Not for the last two weeks. _

“Hm, nothing catching your interest, huh?” 

“I guess not. But your stories are more than enough entertainment for me.” Kaneki flashed a cheeky smile. 

“Haha! You’re welco–” _ GGGRRroOOOaaAAAar _ – both boys went silent, though only Kaneki’s cheeks turned ablaze. “Woah! That was a big one, Kaneki! What did you have for breakfast?” Kaneki fingered at his chin, eyes down in embarrassment. 

“I don’t remember...Eggs? Cereal?” Crackers. 

“I see! Well obviously it wasn’t enough! We can share some of my lunch now if you want?” “No-no! That’s fine, Hide! I can wait!”

“But– If you’re hungry–” _Briiiiiing!_ Kaneki had never felt the term _saved by the bell_ so strongly.  
“Oh! Class is starting.Talk to you soon, Hide!” Kaneki scrambled to his desk, leaving Hide sitting there alone with words still stuck in his mouth. Knowing full well that there was still five minutes before class actually began, Kaneki buried himself in his unused book, stubbornly refusing to make eye contact with Hide as awkwardness swept through him with a shamed blush. _Sure groceries are running low, but Hide doesn’t need to know that,_ Kaneki rambled to himself in his head. Kaneki was making do just fine and there was no need for anyone to worry about him and he didn’t _want_ anyone to. He had even been making sure to put most of his food into his lunch so Hide wouldn’t notice anything! Kaneki cursed at his _stupid stomach_ , hoping it didn’t give away his secret troubles. (Everything was fine!) Kaneki squares his shoulders and tries his best to ignore the annoyance at himself (and the emptiness of his belly) and throws his frustrations to the back of his mind, instead choosing to focus on enjoying his time with Hide, though he was already off to a rough start. _Thanks self_ , Kaneki can’t help the one last final curse.

It was Friday and Kaneki refused to let the day go by soured, especially since he wouldn’t see Hide for the next two days. 

But things are never easy.

  
  


Kaneki drifts through the next few classes with rapid mood changes. He sits at his desk alone with a frown on his mouth and crease between his eyes. Then each time a partner activity or work time starts, he’s at Hide’s side before he can even leave his seat. At those times he’s smiley, he hangs on every word out of Hide’s mouth and nudges his chair as closely as possible. He doesn’t mention his hunger again and neither does Hide. Kaneki’s words are a bit more open, a bit more affectionate, a bit  _ more _ in number. For the first time ever, Kaneki focuses not on the work, but on Hide. Kaneki prods him with incessant questions and prompts him for countless stories and jokes, listening closely to each one and easily erupting into tinkling giggles. 

It was almost as if they had switched personalities– or it would have been if Hide hadn’t matched his hyperness word for word. Kaneki’s mood appeared to be contagious as the boys continually drifted closer and closer and Hide’s laughs came just as easily as his. Hide seemed to never run out of things to say and his smile continued to grow when Kaneki’s little laugh would burst out, his reactions only spurring him on. They had made almost no progress on their project, but Kaneki couldn’t bring himself to care as Hide’s warm arm wrapped around his shoulders each time he whispered a secret joke into Kaneki’s ears.

Kaneki felt  _ right _ as he basked in Hide’s spirit, but the lively cloud around them was not permanent.

Kaneki had never had such oscillating moods, though he wouldn’t have noticed them if not for Hide. Whenever lessons would resume, Kaneki found it almost impossible to stay mentally present. His thoughts would easily suck him in and Kaneki’s face revealed everything. Each time Kaneki’s eyes would get a bit too vacant, each time he would hunch over with his mouth scrunched into a frown, something would happen; a little crumpled ball of paper would hit his shoulder, a plane made of torn-out notebook paper would float onto his desk, or a folded up note would soar past his head and land in front of him. Each time Kaneki would give a little jump and blink himself out of his trance, until finally turning his eyes on the little blond boy who looked at him waiting. Then Hide would give a silly grin, hold up another note or a messy doodle, or make a goofy face. Kaneki would make one in return and they’d go back and forth a bit. Or Kaneki would give an embarrassed but grateful little smile, surprised at himself for being so distracted and surprised at Hide for noticing. Finally they’d return to paying attention and Kaneki’s heart would be temporary lightened and he’d struggle to stay aware, all the while desperately hoping for more partner work.

 

Their antics continued on until lunch time when Kaneki’s unease peaked, lunch being one of the things that had been dreadfully hanging in his thoughts all morning. Kaneki couldn’t help his nervousness as he got out his painfully light lunchbox and made his way to Hide’s desk. He pulls over a chair and sits stiffly as he waits for Hide to ready his own food. When he finally does, it’s large and filled to the brim and Kaneki curses his mouth for watering at the sight of it, but Hide only frowns. “There’s so much!” Hide’s voice comes out as a whine, “my mom says I’m a growing boy, but how big does she think I’ll get?! This is way too much food, you gotta help me Kaneki!” Hide puts his hands together in a pleading bow. Kaneki is silent.

“...I can try, Hide.” His words are laced with guilt and Kaneki prays to anyone that will listen that his stomach won’t make another ear-shattering growl. 

“Wah! Thank you, Kanekiiii! You’re a life saver, I’d burst if I had to eat all this!”  As Hide pushes his lunch between them, Kaneki shivers away the feeling of  déjà vu and hopes that he’ll be able to stop himself from eating too much of Hide’s food.

“So Hide, I heard the new chapter of  _ Two Parts _ came out, what did you think of it?” Kaneki starts up a conversation in hopes to distract Hide as he sneakily opened his own measly lunch. 

“Wah! It was awesome, Kaneki! Mami pulled a crazy move and saved them all! And then Manji – –” Luckily Hide not only picked up the bait, but ran with it. With a silent sigh, Kaneki slowly took out his sandwich– a sad thing made of only his last two slices of bread and peanut butter, his jelly jar had sadly dwindled to nothing –and put as much enthusiasm into the conversation as possible so Hide wouldn’t see. Slowly Kaneki chewed through his food,  _ extremely slowly _ , hoping it made it seem like he had more than he did. Every now and then Kaneki would sneak a few small bites of Hide’s meal and felt almost upset at how good it was. When his pathetic sandwich was finally gone and no longer sticking in his throat, Kaneki refused to eat anymore of Hide’s meal ( _ please don’t let my stomach growl)  _ and instead filled up on Hide’s company. With food in his stomach, as small as it was, Kaneki felt good. It was amazing, he thought, how having Hide by his side could make it so much different from eating alone at home, how his presence could make everything feel  _ okay _ . 

Lunch had gone better than he thought it would.  

  
  
  


The class after lunch was nothing but a long partner work time on a silly project. 

The boys were ecstatic. 

They gathered their materials and brought them to a table in a far corner of the classroom, practically skipping as they went. Their spot was far away from everyone else, almost as if they were in their own little world. Their energetic gabbing quickly picked up and snickers cut through the air as Kaneki snipped out wide bubble letters and Hide tried his best not to get sticky fingers as he pasted them on their bright posterboard. Kaneki tried his best to focus more on this project than their earlier work, but it was hard when he couldn’t stop laughing at the paper scrap Hide had accidentally glued to his nose. Somewhere deep within him, Kaneki tried to ignore the inkling of sorrow at the thought of the day almost being over and the weekend starting. That would mean another 48+ hours of being alone, of being away from Hide, of feeling empty, of–

_ Sliiip.  _ Kaneki jolted as the thick paper he held slid through his grasp and sliced the tip of his finger.

It was wide and it was deep and a dot of blood beaded up at the corner. 

Kaneki only stared. And stared. 

The bead slowly glided down his skin and a light breath rushed into Kaneki’s lungs.

Quietly he set the paper and scissors down on the table and went very still, eyes still stuck on his finger.

Only now, his eyes stung. Tears sprung up and slowly poured out in an ever increasing stream.

Finally Hide looked up in wonder, waiting for Kaneki’s answer to a question that hung unheard in the air. His eyes widened at Kaneki’s state and he swiftly jumped to his feet. Kaneki bit his lip to keep from sobbing as Hide quickly pulled him under the table with him. 

“Kaneki!” Hide’s voice was quiet and gentle but urgent as he wiped Kaneki’s finger on his shirt and wrapped it up in the now stained fabric, refusing to let go. “Kaneki, it’s okay, it’s okay!” Hide’s arms coiled around the small, trembling boy and pulled him into a tight hug. Tiny hiccups bounced through Kaneki as Hide continued to wipe at the rivulets spilling down his cheeks. “Kaneki! You’re alright. Does it hurt?”

 

It hurt.  _ It hurt. Everything _ hurt. Kaneki was so sick of being alone, sick of having to leave Hide, sick of having to do everything on his own. He was tired of the ache in his chest and the painfully long nights. 

And he was so  **tired** of being  _ tired _ .

He wanted to go home to a house that wasn’t empty and he wanted to not be  _ hungry _ and he wanted to  **stay with Hide** . 

But instead he was  _ alone _ and was going to be stuck  _ alone  _ all weekend.

And he was practically  _ out _ of food. And books were boring and–

**_Everything hurt._ **

 

Kaneki shook his head ‘no’, but the tears did not stop. Hide’s face wrinkled into a pained frown as he softly unwrapped Kaneki’s finger and brought it to his lips.  _ “It’s okay, Kaneki.”  _ Hide’s words came out as a whisper and his kiss was feather soft. 

Kaneki only burrowed his face into Hide’s shoulder and tried not to cry harder as Hide’s arms tightened around him. 

He tried not to think about how  _ warm _ and  _ soft  _ Hide was, and how this was the first time in over a month that Kaneki had long,  _ comforting _ human contact, and how Hide was being so kind and gentle and– 

Neither boy said anything, silently sitting there even when Kaneki’s tears had stopped flowing.

The only sound in their world was Kaneki’s rattling huffs and Hide’s even breathing.

They stayed there until the bell rang.

  
  
  
  


The rest of the day passes with a quiet calmness, any conversation they have is hushed and short with a sullen air hanging around them. When the final bell rings, Kaneki lingers at his cubby. Hide is at his side, his own bag in hand, making conversation as he waits for Kaneki to finish his deliberately slow packing without a complaint. When he’s finally (sadly) done, they walk out with matching footsteps and wordlessly head in the direction of Kaneki’s house. After a few minutes of silence, Kaneki pauses, his footsteps stilling. Hide quickly notices and stops too.

“...Hide. I really don’t want to go home right now.” Hide looks at him evenly as Kaneki’s eyes uneasily shift towards his feet. Silently, Hide takes his hand.

“That’s fine.” Before Kaneki knows it, he’s being pulled. Hide leads them, first left, then right, down unknown streets, until finally they stop in front of an empty playground that Kaneki has never seen before.

A large plastic whale sits in the middle of it all, surrounded by squeaky swingsets and empty slides. They silently follow each other to it and begin to struggle to the top, helping the other up as much as possible. When they are finally victorious, they heavily settle down with huffing breaths. Kaneki sits with his back leaned onto Hide’s side, his head resting on Hide’s shoulder as he looks up at the sky. Finally the heavy silence is broken by Hide, who begins talking about everything and nothing. Kaneki listens quietly as he stares up at the clouds, every now and then pointing one out to Hide, grateful for the sound of his voice. 

“Kaneki… Are y– Is your finger okay?” Hide’s voice grows soft.

“I’m…” Kaneki wavers.  _ I’m okay? _ Kaneki wasn’t okay and his scene earlier made that almost painfully obvious. Things hadn’t been going well and Kaneki wanted to tell Hide everything. From his hurting heart to how much he missed Hide even though they were touching. “...fine, Hide. My finger is alright now, thank you.” Hide says nothing, but Kaneki feels him shift beside him and he looks up further to glance behind him, only to find Hide looking down at him. Their eyes meet and Kaneki’s start to sting at the concern in Hide’s liquid gaze. Kaneki feels warmth flow out of him as Hide breaks another wall in his heart. “I’m sorry, Hide.” Kaneki sits up and moves to face the blond boy. “I’m sorry about earlier today. I didn’t mean to cry like that. My finger didn’t even hurt that bad! It’s just– I–” Kaneki hesitates and Hide gently presses him on.

“What was wrong, Kaneki?”

“...My mother has been working a lot lately, and I was very… Lonely. I’m sorry. I don’t want to be a bother.” Hide claps a hand on Kaneki’s shoulder and gives him a small smile. 

“Don’t worry about that! You could never be a bother, Kaneki. What do you mean though, how often does she work? Daily?” Kaneki gives a small nod and Hide lets out a whistle. “Wow, when does she get home?” Kaneki goes silent, his eyes on his lap. Hide waits though, saying nothing until Kaneki responds.

“...I don’t actually know. She gets home when I’m sleeping… and leaves before I wake up.” Hide gapes at him.

“What?! When’s the last time you saw her?”

“Two weeks ago…” 

Kaneki doesn’t mention how brief it was, only a minute one morning when he woke up early and caught her at the door putting on her shoes. “G-good morning…” He squeaked out, shocked to see her.  “Oh!” She said, just as surprised, “good morning. Make sure to be good at school and lock the door.” And then she was gone with a small wave of her hand, already out of the house before he could respond.  

“Kanekiiii! You should have said something!” Hide wails and tugs him to his chest. “This is horrible! How long has she been working like this?”

“This week makes it a month…”

“A whole month?! Have you been handling all the housework by yourself?!” Hide grabs his shoulders and shakes him.

“Yes, Hide…”

“Wah! That’s horrible! Even cooking? I’m a horrible cook… Wait! What about groceries, Kaneki? Do you have food?! When’s the last time you got groceries?!”

“Fou– ...Five weeks ago…”

“ **What?!** That was so long ago! What have you been eating, table salt?! Kanekiiii!” Hide whines, loudly crying out as he grabs fistfuls of Kaneki’s shirt and buries his face in his chest. Kaneki can’t help but give a small giggle at his actions.

“Hide, Hide! It’s fine!”

“Noooo, Kaneki! It’s not fine! My only friend, starving! What will you do?! What will  _ I _ do?!” This time Kaneki gives a full laugh at Hide’s drama.

“I’ll figure something out, Hide! Don’t worry!”

“Noooo, it’s not enough! Kaneki… You have to talk to her. I don’t want my best friend to become a pile of bones!” Kaneki freezes and Hide’s hands gently move up to his shoulders.

“W-what? No… I-I can’t do that! It’ll make her  _ worry _ ! I don’t want to be a bother, Hide!”

“Kaneki!!! You need food! Everybody has to eat! And maybe this way she’ll start spending more time at home again!”

“I-I… I don’t know, Hide…” Hide makes a tearful begging face, a small whine breaking through his throat. “I’ll try…” 

“Attaboy, Kaneki! I’ll bring you a lunch on Monday, just in case!”

“W-what! No, Hide! Don’t do that!” With that, Hide leaned in ominously, his nose pressing into Kaneki’s.

“Best friend. Pile of bones. I’m bringing you a lunch.” A sigh whooshes out of Kaneki. 

“Fine, Hide.” The blond flashes a mischievous smile.

“Heheh… I’m ‘gonna make it super embarrassing! Maybe I’ll put in a bunch of cats since you’re Ka-neko!”

“ **_Hide!_ ** ”

 

Their time together slowly dwindles down to silence, as both the boys lay on their backs and look up at the ever darkening sky. 

“Hide… I’m sorry, but can we stay awhile longer?”

“Of course! I understand, don’t worry about it. Being lonely isn’t bad, it’s only natural. Humans can’t be alone forever, Kaneki!” Hide reaches his arm over and ruffles the boy’s black hair. Kaneki can’t help but start to sniffle.

“Wah! It’s okay, Kaneki! It’s okay. I’ll make it better, I’ll always make it better. Don’t worry okay? Even if no one else is,  _ I’m here. _ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thank you for reading! I am SO sorry this took me forever to do. I had a hellish week and then writer's block was there to kick my ass. It was a sad sight. But I finally powered through it and I hope it's not too horrible??  
> So if it's not apparent by now, this series will be a number of related oneshots going through the series until we're all caught up with the present story. And then once we're caught up, I was considering making a Hide version of this series, written in a similar way if people are interested? WE WILL SEE.  
> Thank you again for reading and for all the kind comments on the first chapter!
> 
> **I'm still trying to figure out Ao3, so if formatting is weird I am so sorry;;  
> I also have no beta, so if you see any horrible mistakes feel free to tell me!  
> I'll also be posting this on my [tumblr](http://spiderliliesinmyeyes.tumblr.com/tagged/Your+Life+was+the+Best+Part+of+Mine) so you can follow that if you'd rather read it there. You can even talk to me about it :3c **
> 
> ᴴᶦᵈᵉ ᶦˢ ˢᵐᵒᶫ ᵃᶰᵈ ʰᶦˢ ᶠᵉᵉᵗ ᵍᵒ ᵖᵃᵖ⋅


	3. No Pity Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is also available on [tumblr](http://spiderliliesinmyeyes.tumblr.com/tagged/Your+Life+was+the+Best+Part+of+Mine)

Kaneki was young. He knew this. His eight years of life were practically nothing, less than even a blink on the face of time. And he was small. He knew this. Compared to the billions of people on the planet, Kaneki was puny; no more than a single grain of sand on the beach of Earth. His existence was miniscule compared to the big picture of life. He changed nothing. Kaneki knew this. 

“Be modest, not self absorbed! The world doesn’t revolve around you,” his mother had reminded him many times throughout the years. “Everyone has important things happening in their lives. Try to remember that.”

Kaneki did try. And when he woke up on the morning of December 20th completely alone, he tried even harder.

  
  


When Kaneki awoke, the only proof that he hadn’t been home alone all night was a simple note left on the kitchen counter and a rectangular lump in a convenience store plastic bag. Made of a torn out notebook page and adorned by hastily scrawled blue ink, the note said: “Happy Birthday! Have fun <3” Kaneki held the thin paper with tight fingers, trying his best not to be bitter while muttering out a puzzled,  _ have fun?  _ His small hands then went to the mysterious bag and gently rustled their way inside. A small chocolate-on-chocolate cake smattered with strawberries waited patiently for him. Sparkly piping spelled out “Happy Birthday!” in big, loopy letters and Kaneki’s mouth tightened into a small frown. Silently he removed the cake from its clear plastic box and set it on the dining table before begrudgingly grabbing a fork and glass of milk. Finally he settled by the table and sat on his knees. Then stilled, starting a one-sided staring contest with the chocolate confection. Quickly he swiped out a finger and curled it into the icing before bringing it to his mouth. The words on the cake read: “Birthday!” He takes the exclamation point too. Sugary cocoa flavoring sits on his tongue and weighs down his mouth. He almost curses the sweetness.

With an almost angry fervor, Kaneki begins shoveling into the cake, hand gripping his fork with unnecessary strength. Bite after bite disappears, his pace only pausing to take greedy gulps of milk. Crumbs tumble to the table. A dollop of frosting dots his chin. He tastes salt. With huffing breaths, Kaneki’s mad chewing dwindles to a stop and he blinks away the blurriness in his eyes to find almost half the cake gone. The bite still in his mouth feels like concrete and he can’t stop himself from getting up and spitting it in the trash. Slowly he shuffles his way back to the table and plops down on the floor cushion. He stares at the chocolate mess of a cake as another sigh whistles past his lips. All that’s left of the piping is a smudged “--day”. 

“At least now it’s accurate,” Kaneki whispers aloud to himself. For a moment his mind wanders to his mother, the small note, the convenience store bag, the cake.  _ I don’t even like chocolate…  _ A small part of him deep inside considers taking the remainder of the cake and smashing it on the floor. Stomping it to mush. Ripping the note to shreds.  _ No. Immature. Pointless. Childish. I would never.  _ Instead Kaneki lets his head fall to the table with a thunk, resting his forehead against the cool wood with a small groan. His stomach rumbles and gurgles painfully, almost feeling as if a pile of bricks sit inside him. He contemplates going to the bathroom and throwing it up, but he forces himself to keep it inside. Kaneki sits there with his head down for quite some time with his mind blank, his heart numb, and tears gently leaking out and pooling onto the table in silent streams. His shoulders tremble but there are no loud sniffles nor sobs; just silence.

He stays there for at least an hour until the cramping of his legs and ache in his chest is too much to bear. With a huff, he stands up with squared shoulders and tries not to tumble over from the sharp pins and needles in his barely conscious legs.  _ Good riddance, that’s enough of that.  _ Kaneki chastises himself as he hobbles over to the kitchen sink and scrubs away any remaining evidence of his embarrassing cake episode from his face.  _ I might as well be productive, it’s as good a day as any, I guess.  _ Wasting no time, Kaneki tidies up the remaining cake and hides it in the fridge before continuing on to scrub the table, throwing away any stray crumb he sees. But it’s not enough. Kaneki flurries to bury himself in more activities. The vacuum is brought out, the kitchen floor and counters are scrubbed, the bathroom is cleaned top to bottom. Dish soap is squeezed out and bubbles fill the air as Kaneki scours every plate, bowl, and dirty cup that he sees, dousing them in the steaming hot water of the sink. 

The small home was practically sparkling. But it was not enough. 

 

Kaneki was on Christmas vacation from school and he recalled the words flowing from his classmates on the days before the break began. They had been dreading and cursing the thought of the upcoming homework assignments they’d have over vacation. Kaneki didn’t think much of it at the time, but the words came back to him and he figured it would be a good way to burn time. 

But it was obvious that disappointment was a reoccurring theme of the day.

The homework was practically nothing– a few math problems, a reading assignment, and a book report. Easy as pie. In no time, Kaneki was finished. There was nothing left to do. No schoolwork, no chores, no housework. When Kaneki finally strayed a glance to the clock, he was unsurprised to see that a bit less than two hours had passed.  _ So much cleaning done in so little time… It feels like life is moving slowly. What cruel déjà vu.  _

With nothing left to fill his time and faint exhaustion dragging at his limbs, Kaneki decides to just go to sleep.  _ What a surprise.  _

Kaneki tumbles into his blankets easily and burrows into them, only poking his face out. The warmth is welcome, he hadn’t realized how much of a chill the late December weather had put in the air. Just as he settles comfortably, the glow of his alarm clock shines in his eyes. 8:00 AM. With a grumble and a small frown, Kaneki reaches an arm out of his cocoon and faces it the other way. He then finds himself tossing and turning, the tight ache within him hiding the tiredness he felt just moments earlier.  _ It’s fine… Today is just a day. Don’t dwell on it.  _

Kaneki tries his best to coax himself to sleep, but he can’t help it when a small, selfish part of him whispers,

_ I hope Hide remembers. _

 

The year before, Kaneki had spent his seventh birthday much like his eighth– home alone and eating cake he didn’t like. Except that time he got to hear his mother  _ say  _ happy birthday instead of reading it scribbled on a note, as she had still been there when he woke. He was also more than surprised when she got home early enough for them to share a meal together. Being able to spend that small time with her had brightened his mood enough for him to count it as a good day. A part of him hoped this birthday would turn out the same, but doubt stirred within him.  

Hide didn’t find out about Kaneki’s birthday until a few months after it had passed.

“Hey Kaneki! I was thinking… I’ve been eyeing up this one present for you, but I want to give it to you on your birthday! So… When  _ is _ your birthday?” Kaneki swallowed nervously. It wasn’t like he had been trying to hide his birthday or anything, Hide just hadn’t asked about it before and Kaneki was too shy to simply blurt it out.  _ It would seem selfish. Like I was  _ asking _ him to do something. _ So Kaneki kept silent. Which according to Hide was a horrible thing to do.

“Uhm…  About that. My birthday was in December.” Hide’s face instantly fell at Kaneki’s words. 

“ **WHAT?!** Kaneki! KANEKIIIII! That was over three months ago!” The blond pulled at his own hair in distress. “I can’t believe I missed it! You should have toooold me! We could’ve had so much fun! Kanekiiiii!” Hide grabbed at Kaneki’s shoulders and pulled at him in rhythm with his words.

Kaneki wasn’t sure if he was surprised by Hide’s reaction or not. Hide was all about  **big** actions, but Kaneki didn’t think he’d care so much about his birthday.

“It’s fine, Hide! I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but it’s no big deal. It’s just a birthday!”

“It  _ is _ a big deal! Birthdays are supposed to be fun!” Hide whined out and dragged his feet. 

“ _ It’s fine. _ Just think, now you know for next time.” Kaneki sighed and pulled the blond up from his new position on the ground.

“ _ Ugh _ , don’t try to make this better, Kanekiiii! You have to be open with these things! Now you have to tell me  _ everything _ .” The boy made a pondering face and started listing things off on his fingers. “I need to know your blood type, your star sign, your zodiac animal, you have to let me read your palm–”

“Hide!” Kaneki giggled and swatted at his friend’s fingers, but Hide grabbed his hand before he could pull away.

“Ooh! Is that a long life line?  _ I think that’s the life line anyway.  _ Oh, you have a spiral thumbprint, that can’t be good…” Kaneki tinkled out more laughter as he yanked his palm away and poked at his friend’s nose.

“Enooough, Hide! You’re being such a goof!” Hide pulled on an offended face.

“Excuuuse me, I am dead serious. You gotta tell me things, Kaneki! Now I only have like, nine months to prepare for your birthday. That is nowhere close to enough time!  And you have to tell me the exact date so I can make a countdown and mark it on my calendar each day.” Kaneki heaved a fake sigh at Hide’s antics. “And! Since I missed your first birthday with us together, I promise to give you a million good birthdays. I’ll make sure they’re extra fun to make up for it! 

“Hide!” Kaneki chuckled and ruffled Hide’s locks. “I don’t plan on living a million years and I don’t think you will either!” Hide only pushed at him and teasingly covered his mouth.

“Psh! Shush, Kaneki! We’ll celebrate in the afterlife then!” 

“Fine, Hide, it’s a deal.” Kaneki relented in exasperation, but backpedaled at Hide’s sudden look of mischief. 

“Hey… This means you’re older than me now!” Hide gave a little jump and twirled Kaneki around.

“Hide… I’ve always been older than you."

“Yes! But now it’s official. Hey, hey! Should I start calling you senpai?"

“We’re still in the same grade, Hide…”

  
  
  
  


It was true that Kaneki didn’t expect much for his own birthday, but when it came to Hide’s, that was a completely different situation. "It's June tenth!" Hide flashed a large grin and poked Kaneki's side when he told him. "Don't forget it alright?" Kaneki couldn't forget it if he wanted to. As soon as Hide had uttered the date of his birthday, Kaneki had memorized the numbers and locked them far within him, buried deep in his heart and ingrained in his mind. He often counted down the months and days to the special date, sometimes without even realizing. As for gifts, he had a collection of ideas he dreamed about getting Hide– even for birthdays years in the future (he could vividly imagine a grinning older Hide speeding down the street on a neon orange motorbike). He wished he could drown Hide in presents and he often cursed at the low amount of money his young self had, but he tried his best not to let it hinder him. Hence why any rare food money left for him by his mother was eagerly gathered and saved throughout the year, hidden in a sock tucked behind his bookcase. The resulting small rumble in his stomach was almost satisfying when he thought of his progress to a present for Hide. Kaneki dreamed of all the different parties he would throw for Hide when they were older– surprise parties, theme parties, they could go on a trip, have tens of different pastries– everything would be the best of the best. Kaneki couldn’t help but smile whenever he thought of all his ideas– imagining Hide’s reaction to each one was just too fun! And Kaneki had a lot of ideas, hundreds of ideas,  _ millions _ even! So when Hide said he’d give him a million good birthdays, Kaneki’s heart couldn’t help but flip at how perfect his words were.

  
  


Kaneki is easily awoken from his pathetically fitful sleep at exactly 9:00 AM by three sharp knocks to his front door. Kaneki jolts up and literally rolls out of bed when his blanket is tangled around his legs. He hits the floor with a loud thud and breathy groan as his forehead thumps against it and the air is knocked from his lungs. For a moment he is motionless, but slowly he stirs and ambles to his feet. Kaneki rubs at his throbbing eyes and itchy cheeks as he stumbles to the door, his bare soles gently slapping the floor with each patting step. When he finally makes it to the door, he struggles with the handle, turning it uselessly before remembering to unlock it. When he finally gets it right, he yanks it quickly with his sleep addled strength. The door roughly swings open and Kaneki is left squinting and groggy at the sudden light. It takes Kaneki a good minute to wake up and assess what’s in front of him, even as he slurs out a slow “hello”. Kaneki makes out a small, foggy figure before him, but when his sight finally clears, his eyes are instantly drawn to the bundle of bobbing, shining silver balloons glinting in the early morning sun. The shapes range from big bubble letters of ‘Happy Birthday!’, a big 8, and his favorite cartoon character holding a cake. Kaneki can’t help it when his mouth falls to form a small ‘o’. When he finally shakes himself from his amazement, his eyes wander down to the small figure holding them. Spiky blond locks poke out of a bright red stocking hat with a small puffball on the top, and below that sits a rosy pair of cheeks and nose accompanied by shining mocha eyes, all tightly wrapped up in a big plaid scarf.

_ Hide. _

Kaneki’s own painful eyes instantly brighten at the sight and an oozing warmth spreads over him. 

_ He remembered _ .

Kaneki gives a blushing smile in return to Hide’s large grin. A grin which soon turns to a look of pure horror.

“Hid–”

“KANEKI!”

Hide’s eyes widen in shock as he takes in Kaneki’s mussed appearance, from the drooping shirt off his pale shoulder, to the angry, chapped red skin of his hands from all his cleaning. Kaneki’s thick, stuffy voice and sniffly breaths stab at Hide’s heart and his hand tightens around the rainbow balloon strings gathered in his fist.  “KANEKIIIIII!” Hide internally winces at his friend’s puffy, bloodshot eyes and the shiny dried tracks down his cheeks, not to mention the swelling knot half hidden by tufts of black bangs on his pale forehead .

“Hide…” Kaneki mutters out uneasily, instantly aware of his messy appearance.

“Are you sick?! What happened to your forehead?! Were you sleeping?!” Hide gasps with extreme distress, “did I wake you?!” His eyes zero in on Kaneki’s ruffled raven-colored hair. Kaneki’s hands can only flit around frantically, trying desperately to soothe Hide.

“I didn’t feel good earlier, Hide, but I feel fine now! Don’t worry! You didn’t wake me!”

“ _ Wah! _ Kaneki! Are you sure you’re okay now?!” Hide’s free hand reaches out in concern and his thumb gently rubs at Kaneki’s angry looking eye lids. Kaneki leans into the touch and gives a sweet smile that gently curls the corners of his mouth. 

“Yes, Hide. I feel great now. Thank you for visitin–”

“WAH! That’s right! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KANEKI, you little old man!” Hide yelps out and ducks his head as he thrusts the handful of curly balloon strings to Kaneki before yelling out in glee. 

Kaneki smiles happily and grasps the strings, twining them around his fingers.

“Thank you, Hide! Did you want to come in? There’s still cake left…”

“AH! No! That’s right!” Hide seemed to be bumbling, getting lost in his buzz of excited energy, but Kaneki couldn’t deny its infectiousness. “I want you to come over.”

“W-what?”

“Come over! Please!” Hide gave a small blushing smile and scratched at his head. Kaneki’s heart swelled at the invitation and his throat felt thick.

“Uhm- I… I don’t know if I can…”

“It’ll be so fun, Kanekiiii! You can stay the night and we’ll celebrate all day! Plllllease?” Hide attacks Kaneki with bottomless puppyeyes.

“I… I would love to Hide, but my mom’s not here. I can’t really ask for permission…”

“Wah! That’s all?! Don’t worry about that! I already have everything covered!” Hide beams proudly. “My parents asked your mom weeks ago!”

“Wha- really?!” This time Kaneki sputters.  _ “Have fun”, huh? I see…  _ “Okay Hide! Just wait for me to get ready real quick!” A small squeal of excitement bursts from Hide’s mouth.

“YES! Alright! My mom will drive us when you’re ready to go!” Kaneki gives a look of confusion and Hide turns for Kaneki to duck his head and peer around him. Sure enough, Hide’s mother was parked at the curb and gave an excited wave when she noticed them looking. Kaneki happily returned it with a smile before leaning back and holding the door open for Hide.

“Did you want to come in while I pack?” The balloons rumble against the doorframe.

“Ah!!! Yes!” Hide eagerly follows him inside. “Woah… This place is spotless, Kaneki!” Kaneki pauses from his task of tying the balloons around a knob to give Hide a blushing wary smile.

“Oh… Uh, thank you.”

  
  
  


At first the car ride to the Nagachika house was incredibly uncomfortable and Kaneki huddled over awkwardly. But as he warmed up, the car became a frenzy of excited words, mostly from Hide and his mother, and Kaneki couldn’t control the increasing amount of butterflies in his stomach. They arrived in no time and Kaneki gazed out of the car window, unable to stop the dazzled feeling he felt every time he saw the big and friendly seeming house. “We’re here, we’re here!” Hide sang as he danced out of his seat and pulled Kaneki out of the car. Mrs. Nagachika grabbed Kaneki’s things from the trunk and shooed the boys off with a smile. Instantly Hide caught Kaneki’s hand and quickly herded him to the house. Giggles rang out of the blond boy with each bouncing step, hyper energy running through him and into Kaneki, who was certain he looked identical to the flushed bundle of smiles that was his best friend. 

Hide held him by the shoulders and pulled him to a stop when they reached the tall double doors of the house. “Close your eyes, close your eyes!” Hide waved his hands frantically in Kaneki’s face until his eyelids were tightly shut with his hands clamped over them. Kaneki heard Hide quickly open the pair of doors and rustle around with something quietly.

“Are you ready, Kaneki?”

“I-I think so…” Kaneki was practically trembling from the anticipation

“Okay…  **OPEN YOUR EYES, KANEKIII!** ”

Slowly his sweaty hands lowered… His eyelids flew open, a  _ toooooot!  _ rang through the air and confetti rained down on him from a popper in Hide’s impatient fingers.

Before him was a huge handmade banner draped from the railing of the second level. On it was blocky, sloppy letters that spelled out  **HAPPY BIRTHDAY KANEKI!** Followed by a splotchy heart and smiling cat face. It was perfect. 

Below that was a table overflowing with sweets and cakes (all of which appeared to be vanilla), surrounded by a collection of wrapped presents.

Kaneki’s heart skipped a beat. He considered asking Hide to pinch him, but he thought it might be a bit dramatic. So he did it himself. When nothing happened he turned to Hide with a thickness in his throat and eyes as wide as saucers.

“Is… Is all this for me?” Hide bit his lip to contain his enthusiasm and nodded vigorously. Kaneki gulped and stared back at the many decorations, taking notice of the many colorful streamers hanging from the walls and balloons taped to almost every surface. Kaneki looks back at Hide who instantly beams and holds his arms out as if to say ‘ta-dah!’ Kaneki falters for a second before jumping into them, surprising Hide and almost knocking him off his feet. Kaneki tightly wraps his arms around the blond’s torso and buries his stinging eyes in his shoulder. 

“Thank you, Hide…!” Kaneki’s voice chokes up and he barely cares if Hide notices. Hide’s arms coil around Kaneki’s smaller frame, even tighter than his own.

“You’re welcome, Kaneki!”

  
  


After hours and hours of tittering laughter and face-splitting smiles, Kaneki finds himself in a heaping bundle of blankets on Hide’s bedroom floor next to the bright boy himself. Both of them lay stretched out on their backs gazing up at the flurry of projected stars on the ceiling. Kaneki sneaks a glance at his friend’s barely glowing silhouette and the corners of his mouth unconsciously sneak up. He couldn’t count the amount of games they played and his teeth almost hurt from the sheer amount of sugar they ingested. At first Kaneki blanched at the idea of eating more cake, but when Hide gave him a slice Kaneki couldn’t say no. Luckily it turned out he didn’t have to. The pure sweet flavor of vanilla melted in his mouth and insisted he have more. In the end he somehow ate twice the amount of cake that he had dug through earlier, and that hefty amount of sugar didn’t even count the mass of candy they had inhaled (Kaneki was almost sure he brushed his teeth for ten minutes straight afterwards). In between his sugar comas, Hide pushed gift after gift into Kaneki’s hands. After a mass of crinkly wrapping paper had collected on the floor, Kaneki had ended up with a long navy scarf embroidered with a red flower and the letter ‘K’, a nice pair of gloves, an incredible amount of books (a mountain really), and a small collection of action figures from their favorite show. After receiving everything, Kaneki sat in the middle of it all for a moment and looked so utterly bashful and pleased that Hide couldn’t help but laugh and pat his head. Kaneki was too overwhelmed to swat him away, there was just  _ so much stuff _ , stuff that was  _ for him _ . Kaneki didn’t think he’d ever received so many gifts before and Kaneki didn’t think he’d ever smiled at Hide so much in one day and Kaneki  _ knew _ he’d never hugged him so much in one day, but he couldn’t help it! He was just  _ so grateful _ . Hide had done so much for him, more than he could have ever imagined, just for a birthday! Kaneki felt  _ happy _ and he felt  _ lucky _ and Kaneki felt a great swell of affection for the blond haired boy. 

But a small seed of sorrow also planted itself within him. 

Hide had done  _ so much _ . Kaneki knew that any birthday plans he wanted to pull off for Hide would be incredibly lackluster for many years.  _ But I will pay you back, Hide! Just you wait. I’ll pay you back and then some, because that’s what you deserve. _

“Hey… Hey Hide.” Kaneki whispered out in a tiny voice, unsure if the other boy was still awake.

“Hm?” Kaneki jolted at the instant response and heard the rustling noise of Hide facing him in the darkness.

“Thank you for today. It was… amazing.” Hide gave a light giggle and grasped for Kaneki’s hand in the blankets, entwining their fingers when he found it.

“It was nothing, Kaneki, just giving you what you deserve. Now just think. We only have 999,999 more to go!” Hide squeezed Kaneki’s hand as both boys erupted into a short storm of laughter that died down into a calm silence. Feeling heat prick at his eyes, Kaneki was grateful for the almost pitch darkness of the room.

“...Thank you.” Kaneki whispered again, squeezing Hide’s hand back before relaxing deeper into the covers as gentle slumber gradually embraced him. His dreams were sweet and the feeling of fingers between his own stayed in his mind as he fell asleep with stars above him and beside him.   

  
Kaneki didn't need the world to revolve around him; it was more than enough to be able to simply soak up the golden rays of the sun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah yes, my fic in which children talk like adults.  
> Hello, I am here! I haven't forgotten about this fic! I hope you're all doing well and enjoyed this chapter :3 Thank you for reading!
> 
> **I'm still trying to figure out Ao3, so if formatting is weird I am so sorry;;  
> I also have no beta, so if you see any horrible mistakes feel free to tell me!  
> I'll also be posting this on my [tumblr](http://spiderliliesinmyeyes.tumblr.com/tagged/Your+Life+was+the+Best+Part+of+Mine) so you can follow that if you'd rather read it there. You can even talk to me about it :3c **


	4. Worried

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING  
> This chapter contains graphic descriptions of violence and child abuse.  
> Read at your own risk and be safe!
> 
> This fic is also available on [tumblr](http://spiderliliesinmyeyes.tumblr.com/tagged/Your+Life+was+the+Best+Part+of+Mine)

What does it mean to love? What does it mean to  _ be _ loved? Does it mean to stay by the side of your important one, always, no matter what? To do all you can to make them happy? To shower them with affection and surprise them with gifts you know will bring a smile to their face? Or is it the feeling of completeness that swells in your chest with just the thought of them? Is it the ability to do nothing but be by them and still feel like there's not enough time for all you'd like to say? 

Is love being silent? Saying nothing as sharp words cut deep and pain radiates through you, taking in every ounce of hurt from the one you love with no response to keep the other feeling whole. 

To be the one getting hurt instead of hurting them... is that love? Surely it is. 

  
  


Kaneki was nine and the number one thing on his mind was a book. But not just any book, it was  _ Dragon Champion Hayato & the Power Within _ ! 114 pages packed with action, mind-boggling detailed art, and more ugly monsters to defeat than Kaneki could count. The book was every Hayato fan’s dream come true– but most importantly it was his and Hide’s dream come true. They just had to have it! Hayato was their absolute favorite character after all, it was practically destiny for them to own this book. Kaneki had pored over the thought for days on end. He could picture him and Hide at their favorite park, lying on their favorite whale, reading each page together and pointing out every one of their favorite panels. He could imagine it with such clarity, it was like it had already happened. But it hadn’t. And he was desperate to make it so. 

  
  


Kaneki had learned not to ask for things at a very young age. If it was something unnecessary, he was being selfish and asking for money that could go towards food or rent for something pointless, something that will “–keep your attention for less than a week,” his mother would say each time. “What’s the point of that? It would be a waste.” And each time, Kaneki relented. He learned right away to follow their unspoken motto of: “If you don’t need it, don’t ask.”

But this time was different. Kaneki had not asked for anything in years and he hoped that maybe, just maybe this time would be different. That maybe his mother would finally agree. That maybe he was old enough to decide if something was worthwhile and maybe she would be able to say yes.

Kaneki knew it was risky. He hadn’t asked for anything in so long and he wanted to spend his next chance on a  _ comic book _ . But he couldn’t help himself. The thought of what Hide’s smile would look like when he surprised him was too appealing. Hide was always pulling off surprises and bringing  _ him  _ little gifts and finally,  _ finally _ it would be Kaneki instead.  _ He _ would be the one pulling out the mystery present and  _ he _ would be the one to hear Hide’s gushing for once. Kaneki even had it all planned out! He’d wait until after school, let them walk for a bit before nonchalantly going for his backpack. “Hey Hide… I got us something,” he would say with a small smirk. And then Kaneki would whip it out and push it in Hide’s startled hands. The sun would glint off the glossy cover and reflect onto Hide’s eyes, making it seem like he was shining even more than usual. A big smile would slowly spread onto his lips as he registered his shock, a small flush of pink would spread over his cheeks, and finally his sparkling half-moon eyes would meet his own. “Thank you, Kanekiiii!” Hide would say, half yelling in excitement, half in giggles.

Hide would be so happy, Kaneki would be so happy; He simply couldn’t wait. 

His joy from something that hadn’t even happened yet was overflowing– the only problem was actually getting the book.

 

It wasn’t like asking his mother was Kaneki’s favorite choice, but it was his only one. The measly amount of money that he had obsessively saved throughout the year was for one purpose and one purpose only:  Hide’s birthday. And as much as Kaneki wanted to see Hide smile now, he wanted to see him smile much more on that day. So he stubbornly refused to touch it and instead held out on the small hope that maybe his mother was feeling more generous than usual. 

Kaneki had thought long and hard about when to ask his mother. He nursed the idea of holding out for when she was in a good mood, or not busy, or maybe when they were eating dinner.

But the time never came. Kaneki had been keeping on eye on the nearby bookstore and with each missing copy of the book, he felt the pressure to ask intensify. Finally, with only two copies left on the increasingly bare shelf, he mustered up the nerve to ask.

 

It was a weekday and one of the rare nights where his mother was home. He had watched her for a while, nervousness eating at his stomach. She sat at the table, hair tied back and glasses on, slowly working through a large pile of papers from work.  _ She’s working... _ But she seemed content as a small hum radiated from her lips, joining the scratching of her pen in the quiet air of the room. Kaneki stood silently in the doorway behind her, eyeing up her knelt form. The sight of her busyness put him off and hesitation weighed thickly in his mouth. He quickly pulled up the thought of the empty bookshelf to try to gain a little confidence.  _ I have to ask… If she says yes, it will all be worth it.  _ With a gulp, Kaneki quietly walks over to her, hovering for a second until finally his voice squeaks out.

 

“H-hey, mom.”

“Yes, honey?” Her hand continues its work before her.

“Uhm… How-How’s work going?

“It’s going well, dear, thank you. What do you need?” Her eyes do not leave the papers.

“Ah...Well.” Kaneki swallows thickly once more. “I was wondering… If maybe you– If maybe  _ we  _ could get me this one book.” His breath chokes in his lungs as soon as the words leave his lips. Her hand stills. Silently, she reaches up and takes off her glasses. 

“A book, huh?” Kaneki freezes at the tone of her voice. His feet reflexively take a step back.

“Y-yes, ma’am.” Kaneki tries to say, but the words are stuck and come out as less than a whisper.

“What kind of book?” The words drip from her and fill up Kaneki’s ears.

“A co--...--..-ok…” His mouth feels like cotton, his tongue like lead. His mother only cocks her head, waiting for him to correct his stumbling mistake. “It’s a comic book.” His voice barely escapes.

“You want to waste our money on a  _ comic book _ …?” She turns around to face him, her dark eyes narrow and calculating. Kaneki almost drowns in the wave of regret sweeping over him. 

“I-I…” Kaneki’s mind was frozen, panic oozing out of him in stammering words.

“I give you all you need.” She gets to her feet. “A home, food, clothes… Is it not enough?” Her voice drifts off and becomes as soft as air. Kaneki’s whole being tenses up.

“N-no! I m-mean, yes! It is–”

"Aren't I doing enough?!”  Suddenly her voice is booming and venomous as it fills the room and rumbles in Kaneki’s body. “ I work so hard for us! For  _ you _ !” Her finger jabs into his chest. “I'm just trying to support us! Support  _ you _ !” Her hand wraps around his pale arm with a grip like iron and yanks him closer. “Is it not enough for you?” Her fingers dig into his shoulder. “Why are you so selfish!” She shakes him with each word. “I'm trying to make sure  _ you  _ have enough,  **_KEN_ ** !" With the uttering of his name, she pulls her hand back and whips it through the air. It hits his cheek with an ear-bursting snap and Kaneki collapses to the floor. His head swings back from the momentum and smacks against the wooden ground, feeling as if his entire brain is smashed in his skull. For a moment he sees nothing as black smoke steals his vision and all the air is sucked from his body. Yet still his sobbing voice chokes through his breathlessness.  _ I’m sorry mama, I don’t need it I don’t needitIdon’tneeditIdont _ –  “What do you want from me?! I give you so much!” Kaneki feels warmth bubble up from where her nails cut into his cheek and slip down his skin until a drop of red lands on the floor, quickly followed by the clear heat dripping from his eyes. "Is it not....enough...?" Her voice loses its intensity and softens into silence. Gently, she winds down and gathers him up in her arms. "I try so hard for you, honey... I worry about you. I love you." She wipes at his tears and caresses his bloody cheek before setting him softly back on his feet. "I cannot afford that right now, honey, so please let mama continue to work hard." Kaneki nods weakly, his eyes on the floor. He mutters out a faint, ‘Y-yes, mother. Please do your best…’ His voice nothing but a small croak as his eyes flit up briefly to make respectful contact, even though he sees nothing but a blur. "Good." She hums, tousling his hair. With a small sigh she settles back down onto her cushion, fixes her hair and slides her glasses back on. As if it never ceased, the sound of writing can be heard again. 

 

Kaneki pads away, swaying and almost stumbling but not quite. Not one thought exists in his mind, only an empty numbness that radiates through him. He makes it to his room and collapses into his blankets, not even bothering to get in them. He is still. The only movement coming from within, in the form of the pounding of his heart, the rushing of his blood, and the throbbing of his head. His body aches. The soreness pulses from the marks on his skin and seeps far within, taking up permanent residence and settling deep in his bones. His being aches. Yet he feels nothing. He digs his face far into his pillow, not even bothering to worry about the red smear that will surely be left. 

"She loves me..." His voice is less than a whisper. His thoughts are jumbled, bumping and buzzing around but overwhelmingly empty.  _ Is this love? _ The words materialize in his mind. Instantly, he tries to dismiss them, but they stick, stubbornly ringing in him.  _ Do I know what love is? Does  _ she _? _ He lets his body go slack. His face sinks deeper.  _ But she loves me. _ He makes no whimpers, not even a sharp breath, yet silent, silent tears slip from his eyes and soak into the plushness surrounding him. 

_ Is this love?  _

The pillow case clings to his face. 

He does not care if no oxygen finds its way in. 

_ Surely so. _

 

Kaneki goes to school the next day in a blur. Static fills his mind, his ears, his mouth. Yet somehow he gets to school shortly before the bell rings. His stupor is not broken until Hide, who had been waiting at Kaneki’s desk, gently shakes him out of it. Kaneki blinks and puzzlement washes over him when he realizes where he is.  _ I barely remember waking up, let alone leaving the house... _ He finally notices the tan face of worry gazing into him.  _ Hide. He waited for me…  _ **_Hide!_ **

“Kaneki. Hey! Kane – ”

“Oh.” Relief weighs on Hide’s face at Kaneki’s late response.

“‘Oh’?! Finally! I thought you were a zombie. What’s up with you today?” A tone of seriousness emanates off him.

“Ah. Oh, I’m sorry, Hide.” Kaneki’s eyes drift as he rubs at his chin. “I’m just really tired. My mom and I were talking and she’s really worried about me. My grade on the last test wasn’t very good… So I was a bit stressed and couldn’t sleep. That’s all!” The words glide out of him easily, yet Hide’s mouth still forms a tight frown. Kaneki’s eyes are glued to it.  _ I wanted to see him smile. _

“Wah! That’s it? But your grades are so good! Make sure to go to bed early tonight then!” Hide’s face lightens and he tousles Kaneki’s hair. His fingers graze the hefty knot on the back of Kaneki’s head and Kaneki tries his best to hide his jump at the jolt of pain. 

“Yeah! I’m sorry, I’ll try to, Hide, don’t worry!” Kaneki forces chipperness as he waits for the stabbing in his skull to subside. Hide’s eyes tighten, but Kaneki shoots him a small smile and gives a shrug. “I’ll be better tomorrow! I just need to get through today until I can sleep.” 

“It’s fine! You don’t have to apologize. It’s too bad you’re so tired though! I’ll try my best to keep you awake, alright?” Hide gives a gentle smile and goes to pinch Kaneki’s cheek, but stops. “Wait… I noticed this earlier. What is it?” Hide’s fingers ghost over the bandage stuck to his friend’s cheek. Kaneki’s mouth opens in surprise and his fingers join Hide’s.

“Ah! I-I’m not sure. I woke up this morning to it. It’s just a scratch though, nothing bad. I think I must have cut it on something rolling around in my sleep.” His fingers don’t leave the bandage that he doesn’t remember putting on. 

“Man, today is just not your day! I hope it doesn’t hurt.” Hide frowns and gently rubs Kaneki’s shoulder. He tries not to show how much that hurts too, though it relieves him of the tightness in his muscles, the dull ache of the pressed bruises overweighs any pleasantness. “Really though, get some rest tonight. I’ll try to help you through today.”

 

Kaneki can’t help the sad frown that settles on his lips as the bell rings and the class goes to their seats. He can’t help it as his mind drifts, the sound of class starting being drowned out by the constant hurt in his head. Kaneki had made Hide worried, the exact opposite of what he wanted to do. He wanted him to smile, he wanted him to laugh.  _ Instead he’s going to be looking out for me all day… I’m such a mess.  _ Upsetting his mom, coming to school in a haze, making Hide worried,  _ not getting the book.  _ A mess. He couldn’t remember waking up, he couldn’t remember bandaging his face, he could barely even remember going to bed, let alone wandering to school. Yet somehow he had. And he went and went until stopping right at Hide.  _ Hide. _ The person he wanted to see the most, but at the same time, the thought of seeing almost caused tears to spring in his eyes. The person he wanted to make happy the most.

_ I’m sorry, Hide. _

Kaneki tried his best to stay aware of his surroundings, he really did, but Hide ended up having to make true on his promise of helping him through the day more than once. Kaneki couldn’t help it that each one of his teachers had the same droning voice that happened to harmonize perfectly with the buzzing static that had been leaking from his brain and filling his ears all day. He was completely shut in his own little world and didn’t even know it.

Attendance? Unheard. His name was called twice before Hide finally coughed out a small ‘here’ in his place. Kaneki didn’t even lift his head. Hide didn’t know which was a bigger lie: faking that he was Kaneki or saying Kaneki was present when he so clearly wasn’t. 

Meanwhile, the happenings of the night before played back endlessly in Kaneki’s mind.

The tone of his mother’s voice. The tightness around his arm. The line of blood trickling from his face.

It just wouldn’t stop. 

_ I shouldn’t have asked. _

Papers were passed, questions were asked, yet somehow Kaneki’s name was never called.

Though he never would have known if it was, as all Kaneki heard was the echo of his mother’s palm against his cheek.

 

_ I’m sorry. _

 

Kaneki would jolt out of the scene in his mind with every quick movement beside him and every sudden loud noise with wide eyes and a visible wince. When a student next to him got up, Kaneki jerked so violently that Hide almost couldn’t resist the urge to go to him. 

_ I’m sorry. _

He reacts to the ringing of the bell as if a gunshot has just gone off in his ear. 

 

_ “Is it not enough?” _

 

When break comes Kaneki looks so startled to blink his glazed eyes and find Hide standing beside him that for a moment Hide actually regrets coming over.

“Hey, Kaneki.”   
“Ah! Hide!” Kaneki blinks with round eyes and glances around him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there.”

“It’s fine, Kaneki… But are you sure you’re alright? Maybe you should go to the nurse or go home.”

“N-no! I’m fine, really! I’m just super tired.” Kaneki’s hands dance around in worry.

“Kaneki…” 

“I’m sorry, Hide. I promise I’m okay.” Hide only gives him a blank look before sighing and pulling up a chair. The rest of the break is spent with Hide letting countless, mindless words flow out of him, his voice kept soft. While Kaneki leans on his desk, head on his arms, with his half closed, yet content eyes glued to Hide’s face. Every now and then they drift fully closed and Hide’s hand lingers on Kaneki’s back, desperately urging him to get as much rest as he can.

The static pauses.

 

But it resumes.

 

_ “Why are you so selfish!” _

Classes later, Kaneki’s head is down on his desk. His forehead is pressed to the smooth wood as his fingers twist and pull in his raven locks.  

_ “I'm trying to make sure you have enough,  _ **_KEN_ ** _!” _

His name echoes in his ears and crawls within him. Its sharpness bites at everything it touches. The feeling of hitting the ground repeats relentlessly in his body. The knot on his head pulsates.

_ I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’msorryI’msorryI’msorryImsorryImsoromsirommimsorrrymrisrorosmy _ –

**_Thunk!_ **

Kaneki freezes. His hands unwind from his hair and slowly he sits up. His eyes finally connect to his brain and he looks around to see three paper airplanes, two crumpled wads of paper, and a pink eraser littering the floor around him.  _ Hide.  _ Quickly he gathers them up and stuffs them in his desk. The eraser, he guesses, is what hit him in the back of the neck and knocked him out of his own head. He holds it for a moment and imagines how Hide would have measured it up, making sure his aim was perfect before tossing it with just the right amount of force and flawless accuracy. He imagines Hide closing one eye, his pink tongue just barely peeking out in concentration as he frets over messing up. The idea of missing and the teacher noticing slows his movements as he rechecks his throw one more time. The thought brings a small upwards curl to the corners of his mouth and he tries to keep it there as he turns to face the blond himself. Hide’s eyes are heavy on him as Kaneki sloppily throws the eraser back. But Hide easily catches it and also Kaneki’s gaze, holding them both as all Kaneki does is offer up the weak smile barely present on his lips. Hide’s concerned expression never budges from his face and Kaneki only turns back around, too exhausted to try to soothe him. For the rest of the time both boys stay frozen. Kaneki pointed forward, his eyes unblinkingly looking ahead and Hide’s eyes locked on him with his worry never lessening. 

 

The bell rings and Kaneki finally feels as if he is awake. He does not know where the day went, he just knows he wasn’t there to see it pass. All recollection of the lost hours is nothing but smudgy memories of sitting in his desk with low murmuring barely registering on his ears. Had he moved at all? Did his classes ever change? He was surprised to find that most of the worksheets he had been given throughout the day were slightly filled out. How the words of the lessons had slipped through the noise in his head and flowed out his fingers he wasn’t sure, but he supposed it was good that he had at least a little to study.

He considers the thought that maybe he didn’t wake up at all. That the entire day had been a bitter dream and he was still asleep in his blankets in a world where his mom was still happy, Hide was happy, and he wanted nothing more than a book. But then the image of Hide’s worried face pops in his head and he knows he is awake – he would never dream of making Hide upset.

 

He turns to find the owner of that face walking beside him. Hide. His chocolate eyes are downcast and his mouth tight. The sun glints off the empty sidewalk of their special after-school route and highlights the smooth skin of his bronze cheeks. His honey hair bounces with each step he takes and the gravel crunches underfoot as his pace flows perfectly in rhythm with Kaneki’s own. 

“Hide.” His brown eyes jump up to make contact at Kaneki’s sudden words. “I… I’m sorry about today. I made it rea– I was… I-I–!”

“Today sucked.” Hide interrupts with laughing words. “But that’s okay, Kaneki. You don’t have to apologize. I’m just glad it’s over! Are you feeling any better?” Kaneki gives a small nod.

“A little! Thank you for looking out for me during class.”

“Of course! I couldn’t let you zone out  _ all _ day,” Hide nudges against him jokingly. “Oh hey! What did you think of my eraser throw? My aim was spot on, right?!”

“Haha! Yes, Hide, it was very impressive. Mine was…”

“Yours was a good effort!” Kaneki can’t stifle his snort and both boys break down in giggles until Hide stills. “Oh! You dropped a pencil.” He points at the ground behind Kaneki. He turns to look and sure enough, there lays his pencil. Confused, he slips off his schoolbag and examines it.

“Huh! You’re right. I guess I didn’t zip one of my pockets all the way. Good eye!” Kaneki hums before turning to go fetch his pencil. 

Hide can’t help the small smile he gets from seeing his friend move normally again– so much different from his stiff, mindless movements he had all day. 

Kaneki bends down.

The smile is gone.

“Kaneki…”   
“Hm?”

“What are those?” 

Kaneki looks down to where Hide is pointing. The neckline of his slightly-too-big school uniform sweater has slipped down and the skin of his shoulder peeks out.

Ivory and purple.

Kaneki’s face goes white.

“I-It’s nothing! It was just an accident! U-uhm-- I-I...”

“How did it happen? Are you okay?” Hide steps closer, concern pouring from his words.

“I’m fine, I’m fine! It’s- It’s really nothing!” Kaneki panickedly shakes his head, a fake reassuring smile plastered on his face and fluttering hands desperately trying to avert the topic.

His sleeve slips. Hide goes silent. 

He gently grasps one of Kaneki’s waving hands and slowly pulls the sleeve up. 

He sucks a breath in at the sight, pulls it back down and lets go. He then moves up to trace the back of Kaneki’s head. His touch is feather light and searching. He looks unsurprised to find the big bump his fingers had grazed earlier in the day. He lets out a sigh and his hands slide down to hold Kaneki’s face, pale cheeks resting in his palm. 

"Oh Kaneki..." His voice is soft and whispery. His eyes are deep liquid and glistening. Unsure and nervous, Kaneki slowly meets them. "Kaneki... Did you get bullied again?" Kaneki’s eyes widen before drifting down. His fingers are on his chin. He gives a tiny shift of a nod. Slowly his silver eyes wander back up and warily peer through his lashes. He startles at the uncharacteristically serious look on Hide’s face. The usual warmth of his gaze is hard and cold, his brow creased and sharp. His normally smiling mouth is so bent out of shape, Kaneki is surprised it belongs to the same person.  Kaneki jumps at the sudden fierceness of his voice.

"Stick by me Kaneki, always. Next time, I'll tear them to shreds." His words come out as a growl. He moves beside Kaneki and goes to swing an arm around his shoulders, but instead settles it down around his back. “Alright?” The anger is gone, replaced by a pressing sorrow. Kaneki looks up at him from below, framing Hide’s bronze face with his own lashes and studying the sullen but genuine expression he has. His chest tightens.

"Yes, Hide... Thank you." His voice is almost nonexistent as his gratitude stubbornly tries to not come out of his choked up throat. He worries it was too quiet, but Hide looks down at him after, his eyes back to their softness and a light smile warming on his lips. He draws Kaneki closer into his side. 

"Ah! That's right, I have a surprise for you! You know that book we talked about?" Kaneki blinks at the sudden new topic but gives a slow nod. "Well, I bought it! I had a bit of money saved and I got it for us! I was thinking we could stay late at the park tonight and look through it together?" Kaneki stares at him wide-eyed before giving a short, mirthless laugh. Hide side-eyes him in confusion, but Kaneki heaves a short sigh before he can question it and instead smiles at him, small yet bright. 

"Yes, Hide... I would like that very much."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter hated me and I want it to know that the feeling is mutual.  
> Hi everyone! I hope you've been well :) 
> 
> **I'm horrible at Ao3, so if formatting is weird I am so sorry;;  
> I'll also be posting this on my [tumblr](http://spiderliliesinmyeyes.tumblr.com/tagged/Your+Life+was+the+Best+Part+of+Mine) so you can follow that if you'd rather read it there. You can even talk to me about it :3c **


	5. Barely

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is also available on [tumblr](http://spiderliliesinmyeyes.tumblr.com/tagged/Your+Life+was+the+Best+Part+of+Mine)

Alone. He was alone. Orphaned at only age ten. 

“How sad!” “Pitiful!” “Heartbreaking!” “Mother and father both gone… Where will he go?” How sad, how sad, how sad all the faint voices whispered. The words doused in sympathy and swirling around the air weighed too little and instead of making it to his ears, they rose ever higher. Meaningless. Fake.  _ How sad _ .

 

Everything had changed. His world had been shaken and turned so roughly, he was too numb to end up reeling. 

What was he going to _do_ _[verb]_ , _accomplish, undertake_? Where would he _go [verb], travel, move_? How would it all be _okay [noun, verb, adverb, interjective, adjective], fine, fair_? 

All these things he should be thinking, he thought, if he was able to be thinking. 

But his mind was broken. 

The epitome of pandemonium. 

In shambles.

Total, complete, wholly, fully chaos.  

A mess made of emptiness. 

Everything and nothing all at once. 

 

Broken.

 

Kaneki Ken was alone.

  
  


Cold. It–  _ she _ – was cold. Her pale skin was icy to the touch, yet everything else seemed exactly as normal. A pen was still clasped in her now stiff fingers. Papers still lay on the table, covered by short waves of sleek black strands spidering across them. Her legs were still folded beneath her as if she had settled down just moments before or as if she had been in that static position since the beginning of time. The white pages before her were spotless. No evidence of what had occurred on top of them was visible. No evidence of the event they had witnessed. Her cheek was pressed to the surface of the table and her thin framed glasses lay in front of her, askew. Her gently curled lashes swept against her lower lids and her lips were slightly parted, as if caught in the middle of a breath where no air was enough. Their color was light with a hint of rose giving the illusion of the life they used to hold. Her posture was slumped but peaceful, as if she had slid forward in her tiredness and softly spread over the tabletop like a flowing silken cloth; gliding until smoothly coming to a stop, tender and graceful. Silence emanated from her like a pocket of nothingness enveloped the scene, overflowing with the sound of empty lungs and an idle heart.  It appeared like a snapshot frozen in time or a subtle slip into slumber. But this sleep was eternal. And through it all, the familiar scent that had devotedly clung to her flesh all those years lingered in the air; fading. The aroma of lavender, faint and light, mixed with simple vanilla hung around her, as if dedicatedly staying by her side as long as her heart beat. So with the stilling pulse, it dissipated. But despite the overwhelming sense of  _ lacking _ , a feeling of tranquility settled around. 

She looked so calm, so comfortable, so peaceful. 

Bills, debt, work. They meant nothing. Her mind was free, no crease between her brows, no frown tugging at her soft lips.

_ Peaceful _ . 

Death. How oddly beautiful it was.

  
  


The funeral was small, yet it was crowded. People seemed to pour around him in waves with all their faces stuck in a frowning mask of sympathy. Kaneki recognized none of them.

“I’m so sorry!” “She will be greatly missed.” “Things will get better.” “She was such a good woman!”

Hands patted his back, squeezed his shoulder, tousled his hair. 

Everyone had words to say; about him, about his mother, about his aunt, but never truly  _ to  _ him. Their voices boomed above him as every word was directed elsewhere. He felt like a painting; something to be seen, ogled and talked about. Each eye that was drawn his way looked down from above and shot bullets of pity at him from every angle.   
Kaneki wanted nothing more than to run away from everything. He didn’t care about the false whispers of security in his ears or the too warm lingering touches of strangers.    
He wanted to leave. He’d barely had a chance to be alone and grasp the situation, let alone to feel like this funeral was a way for him to mourn and gain closure. He hadn’t even cried. 

Though he wasn’t sure he would be able to even if he was given the chance. His insides felt too twisted, his heart too tight. Everything barely felt real.

But it was. The unfamiliar hand clasping his own proved that. His aunt, a woman he barely knew, was the force anchoring him to this bitter reality. She held on to him firmly, her grip unrelenting as she made him stay in the group of sad-faced strangers. She seemed to be in her element with the uncountable sickly sweet words and sympathetic smiles. Everything she said was loud and dramatic. Every hug offered was tightly returned. Every tissue handed out was taken with a watery smile as thanks. Kaneki had never seen someone keep crying for such a long period of time. 

He had repeatedly tried to inch farther and farther from the crowd, but somehow her fingers found his each time and he was subtly pulled back in. “What a tragedy!” She’d agree with every new person who appeared, clutching her chest and summoning new tears with a sniff of her reddened nose. “My dear sister! I’m going to miss her so much!” And then with a sweeping arm and tear-streaked face, she’d pull him in and cry: “And my poor nephew! I’m taking him in and raising him as my own. We’ll have to get through this together!” Voices would ‘ooh’ and ‘aww’ and each time his aunt would bask in all the ‘you’re such a good person!’s with a modest, bashful smile. Kaneki’s mouth felt poisonous.

 

His escape finally came in the form of more people. When his aunt went to return a hug, he bent down to  _ tie _ his  _ laceless _ shoes. He ducked away from reaching hands and dodged his aunt’s searching fingers and was able to slink away at last. He quickly made his way to the back of the room, his eyes cast down as he tried his best to remain unseen. With every step he took, he expected to suddenly feel his aunt’s forceful grip bringing him back, but luckily he glanced behind to see her too immersed in the theatrics around her to care about his absence. He had been instantly forgotten. What a  _ tragedy. _

Kaneki settled with a grateful sigh on a bench in the farthest corner of the room. He slumped tiredly and huddled as far from people as possible, wanting desperately to be invisible. His eyes scanned the room absently. The funeral home wasn’t very large and it wasn’t very nice, but it was cheap and it was close to his aunt’s home. He guessed those were the main deciding factors on location. People gathered around the building in clumps, sitting, standing, talking. His aunt remained in her crowd, her high voice carrying throughout the room. He spied his cousin sitting on a chair not far from his aunt, his face bored and eyes glued to the handheld game console in his mother’s nearby purse. Kaneki wasn’t sure if he hated him for it or if he could relate.

 

In the front of the room was  _ her _ . It was as if she had suddenly achieved her own gravitational pull and the room orbited around her, everyone passing by at some point– everyone but him. He had been able to avoid it all day. The idea of going up to see her made his nerves twist, even though he had been the one to find her to begin with. It seemed different now, seeing her out of their house, surrounded by strangers and away from the calmness of her resting place. She had been dressed and made up unrecognizably. His mother was gone. And she had been since the moment he found her. All that remained was the hollow image of what she used to be, an imposter that wasn’t quite accurate. He’d rather remember her how she was found, serene and untouched. Even if slightly eerie from the stillness, it was a fulfilling illusion of fullness. 

 

But he knew he’d be forced to see her eventually. He’d go up and stare at her empty body and say his ‘final farewells’ as everyone else had and that would be it. It would be over, she would be over. Destined to be forgotten.

Briefly he wondered what she would have thought of it all– everyone here for her. Flattered? Or maybe she’d scoff at it. “What a waste of money! These silly people,” she’d laugh lightheartedly, “I don’t even recognize half of them!” No matter what she really thought, she would be sweet about it, acting kind and giving to everyone. “Thank you for coming! It’s really nice to see you again.” She would smile and shake hands and give light hugs and then they’d go home, his hand in hers. “Phew!” She would sigh as they walked inside. “That was exhausting wasn’t it?” She’d say to him with amusement in her voice. “It’s nice to be home, isn’t it?” She would hum as she slipped off her coat. “I was thinking we should have a nice dinner later! Maybe hamburger steaks?” She would smile and tousle his hair. “I knew you’d like that, they’re your favorite after all, but for now…” 

_ ““It’s time to say goodbye. _ ””

Kaneki jumped as the words echoed in his ears, the feeling of a hand softly squeezing his shoulder tugging him from his thoughts.

“Hey, did you hear me, sweetie?” Kaneki groggily blinked and looked up to see the face from his thoughts hovering above him– but not. He blinked once more and registered the face of his aunt looking down at him, the similarity of her voice and eyes sending pangs through his being.

“Ah? I-I… I’d rather no–”

“It’s okay, sweetie. You can take as long as you like, alright?” Her words pushed his down as she grabbed his hand and pulled him up.

“I-I really don’t–” His words were faint and stammering, the idea of seeing  _ her _ sending a chill down his spine. But his protests were weak and his aunt continued leading him to the front of the room, not noticing his noises or the stiffness of his legs.

Defeated, he clamped his eyes shut, swallowing thickly against the lump forming in his throat and wishing with all his heart that he could disappear.

_ He didn’t want to say goodbye.  _

 

Finally they are still. His feet are nailed to the ground and his aunt drapes her arm around his shoulders once again. “Oh sister,” his aunt murmurs softly. Kaneki gulps once more, knowing he has no choice but to get it over with and tentatively cracks open his eyes. They immediately fall on paste-colored skin and are jammed closed again. “I’m going to miss you, sister. I’m not sure what I’ll do without your help… But don’t worry about me or your son! I promise I’ll take care of him. Okay?” She squeezes Kaneki into her side and speaks to him this time, “Things are going to be alright. Don’t worry.” Kaneki tries to feel reassured, tries to feel warmth from her words, but his heart remains cold. He nods weakly instead. “I’m going to go, but take as long as you like. If you need anything come find me,” she says with one last squeeze to his shoulder. Then she’s gone. Kaneki is alone once more.

 

He stands unmoving for what seems like an eternity. His fists clenched and knees locked as small beads of sweat slide down his neck. With a decisive sigh, he finally eases his eyes open. They scan over her slowly, cautiously, careful to avoid her face. Her skin, he notices, is almost translucent with the purple of her empty veins standing out strikingly against the paleness of it. It looks so fragile, so thin, he can’t help but to imagine it tearing, ripping like wet paper. He quickly pushes the thought down and moves on. Her dress is one he rarely saw. Pure black with tiny red flowers peppering it and tied together with a silk scarlet sash around her torso. It was simple yet pretty, one she only ever wore on special occasions. He guessed this qualified.  His gaze then settles on her feet with a twinge in his chest. She had on shoes that she never wore, short heels that were a dark maroon with small black bows on the top. Her voice instantly popped up in his head, “They’re too fancy, don’t you think? And I think they’re too small, my feet feel pinched! But hey, they were on sale… and they’re pretty cute, don’t you think?” His eyes began to sting and he found he couldn’t look there either. Finally his eyes rested on her still hand, gingerly laying by her side. He slowly reached out and his fingers danced across it, quickly shivering at how icy she felt. He couldn’t bring himself to fully hold it one last time.

“I’m sorry, mother.” His voice is quiet, almost unhearable and shaky. “I’m sorry I asked for so much and that you worked so hard.”  _ To death. _ “I’m sorry. I-I lov –” He tries to say it, he knows he should, but the words feel too foreign and fall to ash in his mouth. “I… I’ll miss you so much.” His mind pulls up her tranquil face from  _ that _ day and his mouth goes dry.  _ Goodbye, mama.  _ The words stumble even in his mind.

Kaneki then turns around and runs. He goes and goes, his head down, until he gets to the perfect spot. Down hallways, past locked doors, and away from every last person to a secluded bench half sitting in shadows. He collapses down and draws into himself, his mind tumbling in a million different directions while a sob rumbles in his chest. But his face remains dry. 

That was his mother. That was her but it  _ wasn’t _ . It was  _ what _ she was, not who. He had felt no comfort from seeing her or feeling her hand. He wasn’t even able to look at her face and he’d never be able to again. She was gone. 

It was true, he realized, that it wouldn’t get better even once this day was over. After this he’d be dropped into a family that wasn’t truly his and pushed into a house with no real room for him in it. His humble but familiar, comfortable, apartment would never be seen again, and before long others would move in. Any proof that him and his mother shared their lives there would be erased. Any mark they made would be overwritten, from the burn marks on the kitchen counter when his mother forgot a potholder to the notches on the doorframe marking his height. Things that meant everything to him would be nothing to anyone else. The life they had together was as over as hers. There would be no more tea shared together at their small table and no more hasty wiping when droplets would slip down the sides of the cups. No more waking up to the sound of her humming as a surprise breakfast sizzles away in the pan. No more reading while cuddled up in a blanket on the living room floor, the sound of her pen scratching away at paper like a soothing symphony in his ears. No more. He’d never feel the warmth of her palm against his while they walked to the supermarket. He’d never hear her laugh or feel her hand drag through his hair. Her ‘honey’s and ‘dear’s were no longer. Her voice was nothing but a ringing sound that would play to nothingness in his mind.

The memories they made seemed so far away, so long ago, and knowing that there would never be new ones _hurt_. It hurt so much that he could barely even feel it.

  
  
  


Hideyoshi Nagachika was very lonely and very worried. But he truly didn’t know what else he could do, so alas, he was forced to endure. Sitting through classes as unease gnawed at his stomach and his heart clenched with every glance to the empty desk a few rows away. Glances that happened often, sometimes without even meaning to. He couldn’t help it! His life felt  _ lacking _ . It felt like a big hole had opened up and he couldn’t stop falling into it; or like the gap from a missing tooth that he couldn’t help running over again and again. But this emptiness was different, it  _ hurt _ . Knowing that something had happened, feeling that something was wrong, it twisted sharply inside him and he felt pitifully powerless. He just wished he knew what was going on and that he could  _ help _ .

“Hideyoshi-kun, can you come with me for a moment? I’d like your help with something.” Hide’s ears perked up instantly at the sound of his teacher’s voice. Tension and hope swirl together inside him in an unusual mixture as he goes to meet his teacher in the hall.  _ Bingo. _ Maybe now he could finally get some answers,  _ or at least have something to do to get my mind off everything _ .  

“Hideyoshi-kun, you’re Kaneki-kun’s best friend right? You know what happened with him?” Hide stares up at his teacher, studying the concerned expression on her kind face, and nods. 

“Yes ma’am! I know.” He didn’t. Kaneki hadn’t shown up to school in three days, today was the fourth, and each time he went to his house, it was empty. He had checked it each day after school, knocking and calling out determinedly. Hide had even woken up extra early and ran to his home before school started a couple times. But he was always greeted with silence. The apartment seemed truly empty and untouched as the mail holder continued to fill up and the windows were always dark. Even Kaneki’s as Hide would desperately stare up at it, willing it to brighten.

“I thought so. Do you think you could give him these papers next time you see him? I’d wait for him to get back so I don’t disturb him, but I’m not quite sure when that will be.” 

“Yes ma’am! I can try and do it today.” 

“Oh, hm, I don’t know if that’s a good idea. I think today is the funeral.” Hide’s heart stops and jumps in his throat. 

“...Right. I’ll wait a few days.” He takes the papers with a smile, “I’m going to put these in my cubby, okay?” Hide leaves the classroom calmly, and upon closing the door, breaks into a sprint. His feet keep their rhythm of speedy pattering all the way to his cubby. If anyone stares, he doesn’t notice. He kicks his slippers off and rams his feet into his shoes while hastily packing the papers and anything else he might need into his school bag. He slips his jacket on and one arm is still out of the sleeve when he breaks for the exit. He speeds through the doors and doesn’t even care if he’s caught, he knows they wouldn’t be able to stop him. He dashes and pulls his bicycle from the nearby rack and is off before anyone who might have seen him even had the chance to say something. The thought of being caught or getting in trouble doesn’t even pass through his mind. He doesn’t care. Only one thing, one person, fills his thoughts. He pedals faster than he ever has before, faster than he even thought possible. His breath comes in loud huffs and his legs burn – he barely even feels it. 

 

He checks three funeral homes, only one of them having a service that day, and after awkwardly running into a funeral for a stranger and a few genuine apologies later, he finally recalls where Kaneki’s aunt lives and heads to the one closest to there. Luckily she lived fairly close by, but it had still been about an hour since he had not-so-sneakily snuck out of school. _ Please still be there, Kaneki. Please!  _ He finally pulls up to a smallish building, drenched in sweat and barely breathing, but hopeful. There are a few measly cars parked outside and a small handful of people talking around them, but it’s more than nothing. Wasting no time, he throws his bike down and dashes into the building.  _ Please let this be the right place! ...And service _ , he begs, prays, in his mind.

He finds himself in a room where it looks like the service would be held… but it’s empty. Only a few workers are inside, cleaning tables and vacuuming. Dread courses through him and he pauses for a moment, an anxious hand running through his damp hair.  _ If I’m not too late, there’s only one place he could be… _ In an instant he’s moving again.

 

He runs and runs, somehow still not out of energy, down long halls, past shut doors, and as far away from any person he sees. He stops at a bench sitting in isolation, barely lit up from the nearby window. Upon that bench perches a small black-haired boy. Hide pads up to it, his shoes barely making a noise on the cold tiled floor. He slides his bag off his shoulder and it quietly slumps to the ground. Without a word, he sits next to him on the bench. He studies him then, almost afraid to breathe. 

He sits in a lump, piled upon himself with his feet on the seat and arms hugging his legs to his chest. His head is limply balanced on his knees, his face half hidden by his hair. The afternoon sunlight from the overcast day barely filters down from the high windows and skylight overhead and it barely does anything to light his face. Instead it illuminates and casts him in an almost ghostly way. His ivory skin contrasts roughly with his raven locks and the harsh purple under his eyes stands out like bruises. His outfit, Hide notes, is formal and one very unlike Kaneki’s style. Most likely something his aunt picked for him, he guesses. His face is blank, empty and hollow. His mouth is barely pulled down at the corners, the only visible sign of emotion. Kaneki’s gray eyes, the color of storm clouds, are slightly bloodshot and glazed over, open yet unseeing. Hide is reminded of a day from a year or so ago at school full of dazed looks and spots of violet and blue. His throat tightens at the memory. Kaneki seems so small, so thin and delicate. Hide is almost afraid of breaking him, but he pushes the thought away. Now wasn’t the time to be nervous.

Kaneki hadn’t said anything, hadn’t said one word as Hide lingered beside him while shuffling through his thoughts. The silence was so thick, Hide struggled to cut through it with a muffled clearing of his throat. 

“Kaneki…” His voice is thick. “I’m sorry, I should have been here sooner. I wish I had been.” Kaneki says nothing, barely even a blink. Hide truly does. He shivers at the thought of what Kaneki might have seen and wishes with all his heart that he could take the pain from him. Or that he could have at least been by his side through it all. He would have clutched his hand and never let go. He would have given him his shoulder, given him  _ anything _ . He would have gathered him in his arms and hidden him away, from the sadness, from everything. He wishes.

With a small amount of hesitance and a shaky hand, Hide wraps his arm around Kaneki’s fragile shoulders. When he doesn’t shake him off, doesn’t do anything really, he pulls him in closer, trying his best to wrap him in warmth and thaw what’s hurt within him. His other hand settles softly on top of Kaneki’s two that are clenched around his legs.

Then they sit there in silence, alone in their private universe while time passes them by. Kaneki remains still, so so still, and Hide holds him as relief from seeing his too-long-absent friend mixes with the sorrow that it had to be like  _ this _ . He wishes the barrier of his arms could shield him from the world and the thoughts that plague him, but all they can do is keep him close, which he wishes was just as effective. Hide wonders for a moment when he feels his breathing slow, if maybe Kaneki actually fell asleep and his poor body would finally be able to get some rest. Then he feels the trembling. The tiny shaking of his friend’s entire body. Hide tightens his arm around him, his tan face pinching in sorrow and worry. Then he hears the gaspy breaths and this time, he doesn’t hesitate. 

Hide puts his arm under Kaneki’s legs and pulls him into his lap. He turns and leans against the corner walls heavily and folds his legs onto the bench. Hiding Kaneki’s face in his neck, he feels clammy fingers tightly wrap and clench in his shirt and his shoulder instantly feels damp. Kaneki’s sobs are rough and sharp like waves crashing in the sea, which matches painfully perfect with the downpour coming from his worn out eyes. The quivering has grown so extreme, he wonders how he hasn’t shaken apart. Hide bundles Kaneki up in himself as tightly as he can, tears pricking at his own tired eyes and falling in slow streams into Kaneki’s hair.  _ He wishes.  _ Hurting, all he can do is hold on tight. And he does. Kaneki cries for what may have been hours or longer, maybe even an eternity. Hide doesn’t let go and he wishes he never had to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I... am so sorry


	6. Okay?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is also available on [tumblr](http://spiderliliesinmyeyes.tumblr.com/tagged/Your+Life+was+the+Best+Part+of+Mine)

The cold is an interesting thing. To be frozen, stagnant, still. It comes in great variation– in the hues of reds and purples and blues. And with it is always the feeling of pins, of sharpness prickling at soft flesh in the form of red noses and chapped fingers. Cold is being nothing. Being unable to move, to change, to do anything; it is being powerless and enduring with wavering levels of will. Cold is being numb, feeling nothing as all vitality is sapped away from resigned icy limbs.

 

Cold, in a way, can be just like life. 

 

But it is also true that the colder you get, the more a feeling of warmth encases you.

  
  
  


Kaneki Ken was fourteen years old and he was cold.

The late autumn air was not kind as it nipped at his sniffling nose and curled the edges of dry leaves. But feeling the heat escape from his body was a worthy sacrifice for the sunset he would soon witness. 

“Just a bit longer!” Hide sang, “should we get a snack while we wait?” Kaneki’s stomach gurgled at the mere sound of the word due to the neglect it had been enduring for so long.

“If you want to.” 

The vending machine was unused and gave off a sense of loneliness as did the general silence of their favorite park. The emptiness was understandable though, with the sun setting sooner and the air getting sharper with each night. “Hmm. ‘Ya want anything, Kaneki?” Hide scanned the lined up items with dramatic concentration. 

“Nah, I'm not really hungry.”

“You're sure?” Hide turned to face him with giving eyes, but Kaneki dismissed the other with a hard nod. “Hmm, alright. Barbecue crisps and hot drinks only then. I got one for you too because c'mon, we both know it's only gonna get colder after sunset.” Kaneki took the drink gratefully as the can’s heat tingled at his fingertips. Hide replied with a smile before quickly glancing to the sky in surprise. “Ah! It's getting close. I guess we better set up.”

Without words the boys made their way to their perch of a whale, colorful torn and crispy leaves crunched on the ground as their past homes reached up at the sky and loomed over the boys. The icy chill of the plastic whale set an ache in their scrabbling hands that didn't lessen until they settled and wrapped a blanket, pulled from Hide’s overfilled backpack, around themselves. The boys huddled together, the blanket draped over their backs as they tried to savor the warmth of each other as much as possible. Both of them were chilled, but Kaneki could embarrassingly feel his teeth almost chattering as he pulled his old jacket tighter around himself. He mentally cursed at how it could somehow be too small yet fit so loosely at the same time. Hide said nothing about his shivering, instead choosing to pull him closer and bring out the snacks. 

The breeze whistled past them as Hide opened the crinkly bag, rattling the wanting bare branches and tickling the boys with their own hair. Lazy heavy clouds glided through the reddening sky as a symphony of rustling echoed around. 

“Hide–”

“Hey Kane–” both boys paused and laughed at each other, the pink in their cheeks from either the cold or the situation glowed. 

“Go ahead, Hide.”

“Ah,” Hide scratched at his cheek meekly, “it's nothing important… I just, uhm, got too full.” The blond ruffled at his hair and smiled at Kaneki with exaggerated shame. “Will you finish them for me?” Kaneki goes silent before sighing and holding out a hand. The bag of chips meet his palm and a small unnoticeable air of triumph exudes from Hide. Kaneki only sighed once more before absentmindedly beginning to eat the practically untouched crisps which just so happened to be his favorite flavor.

“AW!” Kaneki jumped at the sudden loudness of Hide's coo.

“What? What is it?”

“You! You ate that chip like a bunny!” Kaneki's face warms as a small crease forms in his brow.

“Hide! I just wasn't paying attention. It was an accident! A one time thing!” Hide's laugh tinkles in his ears. 

“If you say so…. Bunneki.”

“ **Hide.** ” The blond’s giggles pour out in waves until settling once more into a comfortable quiet. Hide rests his head on his knee, his mocha eyes silently studying the black haired, now carefully eating, boy. 

“Are you alright?” His voice is soft. Gray eyes jumped to his in surprise before flicking away. Kaneki felt the pulsing of reds and violets pushing at his words, urging him. But he stifles it.

 

Adjusting to his life with his aunt in the beginning had been bittersweet. He was moved into a home that seemed to have no place for him, but his aunt was kind enough. She fed him, parented him, acted proud of him even, something he had rarely experienced before. With a new feeling blossoming in his chest, naturally he worked hard to be praised. But it seemed his efforts were too effective. Kaneki had become presumptuous, cocky, or so he was viewed at least. The words  _ you’re just like your mother _ now dripped with venom as they rang in his ears. The hand patting his shoulder had turned clawed. Warm meals shared together dwindled to less and less; spare sandwiches to eat alone, a snack cake, and finally just a few dollars left on the table. Dollars which were few and far between. It seemed, in a sense, that Kaneki had once again lost his family. Dealing with such emotions and hurt, especially in a healthy way, was never something Kaneki was very good at; not that many people were and Kaneki was far from being to blame for his troubles. As Kaneki endured the now fully bitter, lonely years, he felt his mental state grow only darker. His time spent with Hide was the only saving grace of his days and even then his behavior was often an act. But still those times were what kept him going, what lightened his heart and watered his wilted hope. When they were together, in a simple way of thinking, Kaneki was nothing but fine. And that was all Hide needed to know.

 

“I'm alright.” 

“Hm,” the sound hummed through the blond boy as his eyes lingered a moment longer before drifting away, unsaid words weighing heavily in the small noise.

 

Kaneki curled in on himself then, ignoring what the hum insinuated and instead drew his knees up, resting his head on them before taking his turn of watching the other. His metallic eyes traced every detail as he watched the warm shades of the sunset light up Hide's caramel face. The scarlet hues dusted at his cheeks and glistened in his eyes. Kaneki couldn't find it in him to look away. 

“I wish I was more like you.” The words were sudden but unrushed; blunt. Hide turned in surprise then, his eyes wide.

“Me? But you’re… brilliant, Kaneki. Really. You’re so smart!”

“But that’s not– you’re just so– you’re just so…  _ you _ , Hide.”

“Me?”   
“Amazing,” Kaneki hid his face in his arms, the word breathy. “Bright. You’re… charming. You’re not afraid of talking to people and you’re definitely not afraid of what people think. You’re confident, Hide.”

“That’s just my personality… and that’s not always true, Kaneki. Everyone has their strengths. I mean, you read faster than anyone I know. And you  _ think _ . You reason things out, you plan things. Your traits are just as worthy of praise. I mean, your temper can get a bit fiery but…” Hide nudged him jokingly, but lowered himself back to seriousness when his only response was Kaneki’s still-hidden face. “ _ I _ admire  _ you _ , Kaneki. My only specialties are having thick skin and not knowing when to shut up, but you… You’re  _ good _ at things, Kaneki. I wish I was more like you.” Hide’s voice was airy and flowed directly into Kaneki’s heart, dulling the pain of one of countless worries. Silver eyes peeked to the side and become immediately pulled to chocolate ones. They search, not sure what for, and find only honesty and affection. He glances down, appreciative with many similar feelings flowing within him, but ashamedly unsatisfied.

“Kaneki,” Hide’s voice stubbornly prodded at his thoughts once more, “I’m not perfect. Not even close. And neither are you,” Hide pulled him nearer, leaning Kaneki’s head on his shoulder, “but together we’re pretty close. So don’t worry about wanting to be more like me when you’re already more than enough. If you were any more amazing, we’d surpass perfection! And what would we be then, Kaneki, what would we be then?!” Hide poked at Kaneki’s cheek until he finally softened into a smile. 

The sun sunk lower in the sky, casting colorful shades on the boys faces as they sat watching, enthralled, the sight belonging to no one but them. They did not move, even after the sky had gone dark and tiny pinpricks of light peppered the darkness. Kaneki felt a little less cold.

  
  


The boys laid on their backs side by side with arms pressed together for warmth while their eyes roved around the inky sky, peering through weighty clouds for any stars they could find.

“Ah, ah! Look! Those ones look like a lion.” Hide pointed up at a cluster of random stars while Kaneki cuddled closer for warmth, choosing instead to watch the puffs of their breath fade in the air.

“That’s Cetus. You can’t even see Leo from here.” 

“Shhh, I’m going to name it Hide Jr.” Kaneki hummed warmly in response. “Ah, that one looks like you.”

“That’s Hercules.”

“Exactly,” Hide grinned as Kaneki jabbed at his side, “oh, or maybe that one looks more like you!”

“Why’s that?” Kaneki sighed, giving in to Hide’s jokes. 

“Because it looks like a bunny.”

“ **Hide** .” One-sided laughter chimed through the air in peals as Kaneki’s pokes in his side grew harder. Kaneki only joined into the giggles after a particularly unattractive snort from Hide.

“Aaah, Kaneki.” The boys wound down and Hide’s voice grew thoughtful. “You know so much. Silly me, what would I do without you? I’d be lost!” The words rang through his ears and caused a pang in Kaneki’s chest. He’s shocked for a moment at how much those words radiate and bounce within him. His eyes began to water.

“Would you be?” His voice caught into a whisper. Hide immediately turned on his side, the stars easily forgotten for the moon.

“Yes. Of course.” His voice was even, his face serious. Kaneki’s tears fell more heavily at his words. Hide pulled him into his chest, his arms wrapping around him in a position that had grown familiar through the years.

“Are you sure? I… I don’t think it would matter if I disappeared.”

“ _ But it would matter. _ It would matter to  _ me _ .” Hide’s voice was fierce as his arms tightened around Kaneki. 

“All I do is exist… I go to school, I get good grades and that’s it. School is all I have besides you. I’m not…  _ necessary _ . I’m not important. I affect nothing.” 

“Do you have to affect something? You don’t have to be some important figure to the world, Kaneki. It’s fine if you’re just  _ you _ . The only person you have to be good enough for is yourself. If you’re happy with yourself, that’s all that matters.”

“But what if I’m not? What if that’s not enough?”

“Then let you affecting  _ me  _ be enough. Kaneki you… You’re precious to me. You’ve told me that I’m the brightest part of your life, but did it ever occur to you that maybe you’re the brightest part of mine too? B-because you are.” Hide reached for his hand, his fingers ghosting over the raw abused skin of Kaneki’s covered arms. “I don’t want you to disappear. Ever. I’d have nothing left.”

A willful sob pushed through Kaneki’s chest.

“You’re important to me, okay? That will never change. Someday you’ll be important to  _ you _ too, and probably to many others as well, more than you can imagine. I’ll make sure of it if I have to.” Kaneki shook in his arms and Hide held on tight just like always. Still, the feeling of wet heat grew on his chest so Hide  _ talked _ , and he planned to talk for as long as he needed to, even if it was for eternity.

 

“Hm. Can you believe we’re finishing middle school so soon?” Hide’s voice was soft as he rambled through his thoughts. “Highschool, ah, I feel stressed just saying it. Do you think it’s much different than now? I don’t like school much so I kind of hope it is. You know… It’s not required. We don’t even have to go. It would be harder to get a job, sure, but we don’t _have_ to go. What if we just ran away together? We could run away from all of this. From everyone.” Hide’s voice grew wistful as he put the dreams appearing in scenes behind his eyes to words. “Would you like that?” … “Who am I kidding, of course you would. But we both know it won’t happen. You not going to highschool is about as likely as me growing a third eye. It would be incredibly cool and exciting, but it would definitely make life a bit more difficult. Even if you did want to, I feel like neither of us have much of say in the matter, but at the same time if you did, I know no one would be able to stop us. Not us.” The heat had stopped growing. “So we’ll go to highschool, I guess”, Hide drawled, pulling the word out into a sigh. “We’ll of course go to the same school. Your grades are so good though, I’ll have to work hard, huh?” A small frown tugged at his lips. “I guess I’ll have to get over my boredom for schoolwork and finally start working,” a sigh puffed out of him, “oh well. It’ll be worth it. You know, we’ve been pretty lucky. We’ve been in the same class together all these years. I guess I’ve sorta taken it for granted, that might not happen to us in highschool after all! Even if we get separated, we’ll be okay. I’ll visit you on every break and we’ll eat lunch together and we’ll still be able to walk together after school. We’ll make it work!” The shaking had lessened to tiny trembles. “Ah! And then just think, three years of that and boom! Graduation!  Then we could be off to university… Ah, again, who am I kidding? There’s no ‘could be’ about it, we’re going, huh? We’ll go to the same university too. I’m guessing I’ll have to work extra hard to get into that too. Agh!” Hide whined out the exclamation, “school is so long. And boring! But it’ll probably go by super quickly and we’ll find ourselves done before we know it. And we’ll look back and scoff at how we worried about school when it ended up being such a small part of our lives.” Hide purred, the shaking had stopped. “Oh, I wonder what schools we’ll end up going to. I don’t have any I’m interested in right now or anything, but I bet it will be a super fancy one knowing you! Hm. Well whatever happens, we’ll be together and it will work out in the end.” Hide’s words faded to silence as he traced circles on Kaneki’s back. “OH! We get to move out after highschool graduation! We should get apartments! **OH!** We should live together, or at least near each other–”

“I’m not sure I’d want to live with you, Hide. You’re pretty messy.” 

“ **_Hey_ ** _.  _ Have you seen your room? You have so many books, I’d feel like I was living in a library! A cluttered one too… Ah. But it would be so fun! Just think, we wouldn’t have to walk each other home, we’d just be  _ going home _ . That would be so perfect! We wouldn’t have to separate or walk back alone. Just think, we’d never be lonely again.” Kaneki murmured in contented agreement, the dreamy idea settling in his mind. “But then again,  _ you are pretty messy _ .” Hide broke down in giggles at the fingers pinching his ticklish sides when suddenly Kaneki yelped.

“Cold!” Both boys turned to look up at the offending force that had so rudely nibbled at the bare skin of Kaneki’s neck and gasped. Large, fluffy clumps of snow puttered down from the sky, twirling in an uncoordinated yet breathtaking dance. The puff-flakes landed around them and covered everything like a light dust, all while landing in their eyelashes and biting their cheeks to crimson. Kaneki peered over at Hide fondly. He watched him follow the snow’s wandering path with his eyes up until a snowflake flew directly into one. Kaneki desperately tried his best to stifle a giggle as Hide frantically tried to blink away the blinding iciness. He must not have done very well though, as Hide turned to glare at him with a furiously offended face that quickly melted into a smile that Kaneki gladly returned. He continued to observe the snowflakes drift through the air and land in the spikes of Hide’s bright hair; melting soon after contact, they caused him to shiver from the icy water running down his skin. Kaneki couldn’t help it when another smile pulled up at his lips. Snowflakes seemed to gather around the blond and Kaneki was unable to stop admiring the contrast of the stark whiteness against the tan of Hide’s skin.

“It’s beautiful.” Kaneki breathed. Hide gazed down at him curled into his side, the water droplets on his eyelids shone in the light of the moon as his pale skin appeared to be made of the same icy flakes that fell around them.   
“You’re right.” Kaneki turned to look again at the snow when Hide’s words instantly pulled him back. “Ken.” The short, rarely heard word fell from his lips sweetly, like a music note sang in the most perfect pitch. Kaneki’s chest tightened at the sound, his mind immediately playing it back in an endless loop until the end of time. He felt soft fingers grab at his own and his heart tumbled. “I’m never going to leave your side and I’m never going to stop trying not to. So don’t leave mine either, okay?”

  
Kaneki _Ken_ felt warm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Ah. I am so sorry for the delay.  
> Just an fyi, I'm not saying I'm going to be posting weekly as that is really impossible for me, but when I do post, it will be on a friday around 6-8pm central US and Canada time. 
> 
> As always, thank you so much for reading and sticking around. Any support I get always makes me smile:>) <3


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